Nowadays, more and more older people who need employment compete with the younger people for the same jobs. What problems this causes ? What are solutions?
Nowadays, many
people
suppose that employment competition with young generations in the same jobs is necessary for older people
. In this
essay, I will outline some reasons for this
phenomenon and propose solutions to address it.
Younger employees may adapt more easily to change
in their work environment than the elderly could do, who could take chances to replace some work positions of older Wrong verb form
changes
people
and earn more money. Therefore
if older people
continously
want to stabilize their benefits, they will Correct your spelling
continuously
force
to compete, Wrong verb form
be forced
that
could lead to a disruption in new generations’s Correct pronoun usage
which
developments
. Fix the agreement mistake
development
Moreover
, the cost of living keeps rising day by day, so people
have to work even after retiring in order to meet their needs, hence
there are some situation
about delaying Fix the agreement mistake
situations
Correct article usage
the retirements
retirements
of older Fix the agreement mistake
retirement
people
. Resulting in a
increase Change the article
an
of
the unemployment rates of young Change preposition
in
people
. In contrast
, because older people
tend to have difficulties in finding jobs due to
age discrimination, so
they will Correct word choice
apply
perform
more effort Verb problem
put
in
working.
Change preposition
into
However
, there are some steps that governments can take to solve these problems. Firstly
, the government should raise pension payment
for employees who Fix the agreement mistake
payments
retired
to prevent the demand of working after Wrong verb form
retire
retired age
. Wrong verb form
retirement
For instance
, the government could provide the cost of housing and other community services to reduce elderly’s
living expenses. Correct article usage
the elderly’s
Secondly
, there are some laws, which might be implement
Change the verb form
be implemented
on
organizations to diminish age Change preposition
in
discrimation againsting
older Correct your spelling
discrimination against
people
.
In conclusion, implementing solutions such
as rising
pension Correct your spelling
raising
payment
and living financial Fix the agreement mistake
payments
supports
are crucial steps in tackling concerns like Fix the agreement mistake
support
replacement
of young Correct article usage
the replacement
people
, high afford living and discrimation
.Correct your spelling
discrimination
Submitted by cathyngo1512 on
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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay showed a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is great. To enhance clarity and cohesion, consider linking your ideas more fluidly. Use transitional phrases like 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' or 'Consequently' to better connect paragraphs and sentences.
Task Achievement
You've addressed the task by presenting problems and solutions, but to reach a higher band, make sure to provide more detailed examples and elaborations of how these solutions can be implemented effectively. This specificity will help to develop your argument further and make your essay more persuasive.
Task Achievement
You presented both problems and solutions related to the competition between older and younger people for jobs, which demonstrates a good understanding of the essay question.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and bookend the essay nicely. This is a key component for structuring your response effectively.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example