IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their families and friends.Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #work #move #families #friends #development
Finding work is a hotly debated topic that divides opinion. Some people think that the best way to seek a job is
moving
Wrong verb form
to move
show examples
 away from their hometown and friends.I think that, despite some drawbacks it brings, it
stills
Replace the word
still
show examples
 does more good than harm. On the one hand, it can not denied that, if someone
leave
Change the verb form
leaves
show examples
 their home to
other places
Fix the agreement mistake
another place
show examples
 to find
job
Add an article
a job
show examples
, they might feel alone and isolated,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
 may not be able to adapt to their new
life
.
This
 makes them
anxiety
Replace the word
anxious
show examples
 and
fear
Replace the word
fearful
show examples
, they don't want to get out of that safe shell. In their hometown, they may
be know
Change the verb form
know
show examples
 certain jobs that they find suitable and can cover their own living expenses.
However
, it still
some
Add a missing verb
has some
show examples
 drawbacks,
such
 as despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their living in their familiar places is not bad but
this
 is a good chance for them to live independently,
for example
, they have to earn money to
living
Wrong verb form
live
show examples
, they have to widen their
communicate
Replace the word
communication
show examples
 circle, they have to learn to live alone,
this
 helps them a lot because of the opportunities it brings . To explain, only if you can stand on their own feet, the jobs will seek to them.
Furthermore
, living in
modern
Add an article
the modern
a modern
show examples
 city helps them earn
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
 money, enough
paying
Change the verb form
to pay
show examples
 for their big families because they are adults so they must
have
Verb problem
be
show examples
 responsible for
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
 and springs, they cannot rely on their parents forever, they need a
big
Correct word choice
large
show examples
 amount of money. So they must rush into
life
 to work.
In addition
, it is a good opportunity for them to enjoy
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 high-quality
life
,
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 awareness of them will be raised. When we
older
Add a missing verb
are older
show examples
, they can come back
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
 hometown to live a peaceful
life
-
This
 is so meaningful after a hard-working
life
. In conclusion, it still
exist
Change the verb form
exists
show examples
 some drawbacks but we dealt with above, living near
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
relatives and friends is good but if we are still young, we should
active
Add a missing verb
be active
show examples
 and give
yourselfs
Correct your spelling
ourselves
 more chances to
able
Add a missing verb
be able
show examples
 to see the
wonderfull
Correct your spelling
wonderful
life
.
Submitted by nhuquynhbn2004 on

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structure
Consider organizing your essay more clearly by using paragraphs to separate your introduction, body sections, and conclusion. This will enhance the logical structure and make your arguments easier to follow.
clarity
Introduce your topic more clearly in the introduction to give the reader a better understanding of what the essay will discuss. Also, ensure your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points.
language
Work on using a wider range of vocabulary and more complex sentence structures to express your ideas more compellingly. This will help make your essay more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
balance
You've presented a balanced view by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of the issue, which is crucial for a good task response.
cohesion
Your essay shows an attempt to use linking words to connect ideas, which aids the reader in understanding the flow of your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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