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Band 4.5

Some people believe that children should learn languages which is more important, while others think that studying science at school is important. Discuss both side.

#people #children #languages #science #school #side
There has been discussion revolving around whether children should concentrate more on learning foreign
languages
 or science-based subjects.
This
 essay will delve into both perspectives,
along with
 my own viewpoint. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, learning a language is essential because almost all social sectors require
this
 skill. In today’s modern society, more and more children have realized that learning
languages
 is key to their successful careers.
Consequently
, the number of training courses focusing on teaching
languages
 is increasing.
For example
, in Mongolia, recent data shows that over one thousand companies are engaged in linguistic businesses.
On the other hand
, gaining knowledge in science is fundamental to education because it can develop children’s cognitive skills, which are extremely useful in daily life. Without
science
Replace the word
scientific
show examples
 knowledge, it is difficult to imagine creating a well-developed society as it nurtures analytical and critical thinkers. Not only do skillful engineers emerge from
this
 knowledge, but
also
 social advocates.
For example
, the famous scientist Darwin was a social influencer for human rights
while
 exploring natural science. In conclusion,
while
 learning
languages
 can secure children’s future career pathways, exploring science-based subjects is equally important as it
also
 benefits their brain development.
Submitted by zulzayanyamkhu on

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Coherence & Cohesion
You've done a great job in structuring your essay, ensuring that each paragraph discusses a different perspective. For even better coherence, try to link your ideas more smoothly with transitions that show more clearly how they relate to each other.
Introduction & Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively encapsulate your discussion points, but you could enhance your conclusion by restating your own viewpoint more explicitly.
Support for Main Points
In discussing both sides, you’ve provided apt examples and reasons which strengthens your argument. Consider adding more diverse examples or counterarguments to deepen the analysis and make your essay more engaging.
Task Achievement
You've clearly addressed the task, providing a balanced discussion on both views. To push your score even higher, make sure to develop your personal viewpoint further, as this can add depth to your essay.
Structure
Your essay is well-structured, which makes it easy to follow.
Relevant Examples
You provided relevant examples that clearly support your points, such as the example of Mongolia and Darwin.
Effective Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively wraps up the essay, summarizing the discussion thoughtfully.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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