In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #people #government #responsibility

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In several countries, teenagers are now gaining more weight, which has a negative impact on their health. A group of individuals say that the government needs to address

this

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issue for some reasons.

Although

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some individuals agree with

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matter

due to

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several reasons, I strongly disagree with

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statement.

Firstly

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, parents should be in charge of their children's obesity and their unhealthy.

This

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is because mothers always prepare daily meals for kids or buy materials for families’ meals.

For instance

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, Vietnamese women like cooking with oil and butter, so children’s obesity increased rapidly.

Moreover

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, their fathers buy snacks for them after they go home.

Secondly

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, teenagers must be aware of their

obese

Replace the word

obesity

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states

Correct your spelling

status

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In other words

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, they lack control of what they eat.

For example

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, American and Vietnamese children love eating fast food and consume too much milk tea after lots of times they need to study at school.

Therefore

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, they have a disease and obesity. In conclusion, the government does not have a response for these reasons.

Therefore

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, parents need to be careful with

this

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activity and say that their children should eat more clearly. Teenagers just need to eat healthy food because it’s good for their improvement.

Submitted by aitam.dothi on Thu Apr 04 2024

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Introduction Enhancement

Make sure your introduction clearly outlines the topic and your stance on it. While you did this adequately, refining your introduction could enhance your essay's clarity and impact.

Sentence Variety

Be mindful of the variety in sentence structures. Using a mix of complex and simple sentences can make your essay more engaging and demonstrate linguistic competence.

Example Development

Using examples is good practice, but ensure they are detailed and directly support your argument. Consider expanding on examples with clear relevance and explanation of how they support your point.

Proofreading

Careful proofreading could help in eliminating small grammatical errors and improve the overall readability of your essay.

Clear Stance

You have clearly taken a stance on the issue, which is good practice for this type of essay.

Paragraph Organization

Your paragraphs are well organized, with each one focusing on a specific point. This enhances the coherence of your essay.

Use of Examples

You provided examples to support your points, such as the dietary habits leading to obesity in Vietnamese children, which helps in strengthening your argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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10
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meeting the goal of 7 or more
0
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

200 words

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In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in recent years. What are the primary causes of this? What measure should be taken to reduce childhood obesity?

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school.