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Band 5

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #people #government #responsibility
In several countries, teenagers are now gaining more weight, which has a negative impact on their health. A group of individuals say that the government needs to address
this
 issue for some reasons.
Although
 some individuals agree with
this
 matter
due to
 several reasons, I strongly disagree with
this
 statement.
Firstly
, parents should be in charge of their children's obesity and their unhealthy.
This
 is because mothers always prepare daily meals for kids or buy materials for families’ meals.
For instance
, Vietnamese women like cooking with oil and butter, so children’s obesity increased rapidly.
Moreover
, their fathers buy snacks for them after they go home.
Secondly
, teenagers must be aware of their
obese
Replace the word
obesity
show examples
states
Correct your spelling
status
show examples
.
In other words
, they lack control of what they eat.
For example
, American and Vietnamese children love eating fast food and consume too much milk tea after lots of times they need to study at school.
Therefore
, they have a disease and obesity. In conclusion, the government does not have a response for these reasons.
Therefore
, parents need to be careful with
this
 activity and say that their children should eat more clearly. Teenagers just need to eat healthy food because it’s good for their improvement.
Submitted by aitam.dothi on

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Introduction Enhancement
Make sure your introduction clearly outlines the topic and your stance on it. While you did this adequately, refining your introduction could enhance your essay's clarity and impact.
Sentence Variety
Be mindful of the variety in sentence structures. Using a mix of complex and simple sentences can make your essay more engaging and demonstrate linguistic competence.
Example Development
Using examples is good practice, but ensure they are detailed and directly support your argument. Consider expanding on examples with clear relevance and explanation of how they support your point.
Proofreading
Careful proofreading could help in eliminating small grammatical errors and improve the overall readability of your essay.
Clear Stance
You have clearly taken a stance on the issue, which is good practice for this type of essay.
Paragraph Organization
Your paragraphs are well organized, with each one focusing on a specific point. This enhances the coherence of your essay.
Use of Examples
You provided examples to support your points, such as the dietary habits leading to obesity in Vietnamese children, which helps in strengthening your argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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