IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar,wihch causes many health problems. sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar . do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #level #sugar #wihch #health #people
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In today's modern, life most of the manufactured
food
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 and drink
products
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 include high levels of
sugar
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 which directly affects our
health
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 system . There is a claim that increasing the cost of sugary
products
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 may serve as a solution for
health
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 problems , by encouraging
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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 . From my perspective , increasing the price of sugary crops is not a solution to the problem ,
individuals
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 will continue to buy the fabrications by wasting more proportion of their salary , which directly impacts their life standards.
Firstly
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, in our digital age , processed
food
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 become ubiquitous, in social media , TV shows , and street banners advertising processed
products
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 .
However
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 , the daily consumption of
food
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 suggesting
sugar
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, overwhelmingly affects our
health
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 system .
For instance
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 ,
According to
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 researchers from UK Cambridge University , 80% of youngsters living in the USA , suffer from obesity , which is the main disease that
sugar
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 causes.
Furthermore
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 , processed
food
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 suggests glucose that lessens our energy and accounts drop in testosterone for men .
However
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, some
individuals
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 argue that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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growth in prices of processed
crop
Fix the agreement mistake
crops
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 can be a key
for
Change preposition
to
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 solving the problem . From their perspective , rapid increase in costs of processed
products
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 may lessen their sale ratios by helping
people
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 to remove
sugar
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 from their diet . There is an undeniable fact that it will drop
the
Correct article usage
apply
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sales , but making
individuals
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to
Change the verb form
apply
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waste more money on
sugar
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 is not the morally ethical way of
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
solution .
Instead
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 of raising costs , we can encourage
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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 by demonstrating it in social media , TV shows , and school
curriculum
Fix the agreement mistake
curricula
show examples
, which are the main factors that impact
individuals
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.
In addition
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 , encouraging
people
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 to do more exercise
also
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 can be considered a good way of teaching
people
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 to healthy lives. In conclusion , there is an undeniable
health
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 issue coming from manufactured
products
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 ,
however
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, raising prices for encountering
this
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 problem is not the best way . Alternatively , there are more options that
people
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 are able to use .
Submitted by elnur.adil on

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Task Achievement
Ensure a clear position is maintained throughout the essay to strengthen the argument.
Lexical Resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition and to accurately express your ideas.
Grammar
Consider revising sentence structures for greater clarity and impact.
Coherence and Cohesion
Incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
The essay successfully addresses the prompt, providing a clear stance and relevant examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
Good effort in structuring the essay with a recognizable introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Task Achievement
Effective use of examples to support the main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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