Shopping is the favourite pastime of most of the young people. Why is this the case? Do you think they should be encouraged to do some other useful activities in their free time?
According to
some, nowadays youth
prefer to go shopping in
their pastime. Change preposition
as
Although
I believe that young individuals are influenced by their peers at work who follow the latest trend, I argue that they should look for other activities
as a leisure time
.
It has been argued that young people
go shopping as a hobby and may buy unnecessary things. Some analyzers
believe that individuals are more likely affected by their colleagues at work or friends in their Replace the word
analysts
youth
. They also
proved advertisements encourage young citizens to buy different things. Therefore
, young adults try to spend their time
to buy
Change the verb form
buying
somethings
which are used by more Correct your spelling
some things
people
or they watch on
TV advertising. Change preposition
apply
For example
, apple company
conducted a survey and announced that most young Correct your spelling
Apple Company
people
prefer to buy apple's
products as luxury items.
Some experts prove that young should Capitalize word
Apple's
encourage
to do beneficial Wrong verb form
be encouraged
activities
instead
of shopping as a hobby. They believe that if youth
go to gym
or Add an article
the gym
a gym
doing
yoga Wrong verb form
do
instead
of go
shopping, they will be fit and Wrong verb form
going
also
can save money. In my opinion, in addition
to doing sports activities
, young people
can learn new skills in their leisure time
by participating in online courses and enhanced
their self-esteem . Wrong verb form
enhancing
For instance
, some big companies offer numerous free courses annually for their young employees not only to learn new skills, but their young members also
can enjoy their free time
during these workshops.
In conclusion, according to
some ideas, youth
are being shopaholic
because of wrong advertisements. I believe they should be encouraged to spend their Fix the agreement mistake
shopaholics
time
on
learning new proficiency or doing some sports because these Change preposition
apply
activities
could help them to improve themselves.Submitted by Pegahghaderi85 on
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task achievement
Expand on your arguments by including more varied and complex examples.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to enhance the readability and complexity of your essay.
task achievement
Ensure you directly address the prompt throughout your essay to maintain a strong focus on the task.
coherence cohesion
Consider revising for clarity and precision, especially in your argumentation, to strengthen your essay's coherence.
coherence cohesion
Introduced and concluded the essay effectively, giving a clear stance on the topic.
task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced perspective by examining both sides of the argument, which enriches the discussion.
task achievement
Inclusion of a specific example such as the survey by Apple to support your argument adds credibility and interest.