IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that museums should be enjoyable places to entertain people, while others beilieve that the purpose of the museums is to eduacte. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #museums #places #beilieve #purpose #eduacte
In recent years,there has been a growing debate regarding what the main purpose of
museums
 should be.
While
 some assert that
museums
 should be a place where
individuals
 can enjoy
as
Correct pronoun usage
themselves as
show examples
 it can be a more effective way of learning
as well as
 gaining more income,others,including me,believe that the major aim
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
museums
 should become to educate
people
 because it is for gaining deeper understanding and broadening horizons of
people
,not for entertaining . On the one side,it is widely believed by some that the
museums
 should become entertainment
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
 as it can be beneficial for both the museum and
individuals
 as well.
Firstly
,if the
museums
 serve as an entertainment centre,it can attract many
people
 to there.
Consequently
,
people
 can obtain more income,which can
advantageous
Add a missing verb
be advantageous
show examples
 for the economy of the country.
For example
,there are many
museums
 in
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 States which serve as an
enjoyment
Replace the word
enjoyable
show examples
 place and more and more visitors come there for
entertainig
Correct your spelling
entertainment
 and increased revenue can be procured.
Secondly
,it is
also
 can be beneficial for
individuals
 as it can learn about
artifacts
Change the spelling
artefacts
show examples
 and other historical objects in
more
Add an article
a more
show examples
 effective way.As going to
museums
 may be boring for residents,turning them into enjoying places can attract many
people
 to go the
museums
 for learning .By learning about these objects in an amusing way ,
individuals
 can
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
show examples
 of history without feeling bored.
On the other hand
,I would side with those who believe that the main purpose of
museums
 is to inform
people
,not to
amuse
Correct pronoun usage
amuse them
show examples
.I believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
museums
 should enrich the knowledge of visitors and give accurate information about the history of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
artifacts
Change the spelling
artefacts
show examples
 or other historical objects.In
this
 case,
people
 can gain accurate knowledge about these
objectsand
Correct your spelling
objects and
objects
 can appreciate the importance of them ,which can lead to a more educated society. Taking everything into account,the question of whether
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
museums
 should serve as
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
amusement
centre
Fix the agreement mistake
centres
show examples
 or educational
instution
Correct your spelling
institutions
 has valid points on both sides.
However
,it seems to me that their main
aims
Fix the agreement mistake
aim
show examples
 should be to inform
people
as
Correct word choice
so
show examples
 they can acknowledge the importance of their history
as well as
broadening
Wrong verb form
broaden
show examples
 their knowledge.
Submitted by Name_1234 on

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Vocabulary Enhancement
Consider using a wider range of vocabulary and fewer repetitive expressions to enhance the impact of your argument.
Grammar and Spelling
Pay attention to spelling and grammatical accuracy to ensure your arguments are clearly communicated.
Content Development
To further strengthen your argument, provide more specific examples or case studies related to museums emphasizing education over entertainment.
Task Response
Your essay presents a balanced view, effectively discussing both perspectives before stating your own opinion, which aligns well with the task requirements.
Structure
You have structured your essay well, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs addressing each view, and a conclusion summarizing your stance. This enhances the coherence and cohesion of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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