The pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and ,are comparisons where relevant.

The pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and ,are comparisons where relevant.
The given charts show the figure for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
online shopping
sales
for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.
Overall
, it can be seen that travel was the largest profit in online
sales
in 2003
while
in 2013 the highest revenue was film/music.
To begin
with, travel held the lion's share in online
sales
with 36% in 2003, followed
that
Change preposition
by
show examples
the second position in the list belonged to clothes with 24%. Film/music occupied 21%
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
remote shopping
sales
and
then
the figure for books online
sales
was 19%. Moving on to the other categories, in 2013, the proportion of film/music in online shopping
sales
witnessed a significant increase to 36% which topped the list
while
there was a considerable decline in the percentage of travel.
Subsequently
, the figure for books remote online
sales
experienced a rise
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
3% reached to 22%.
Lastly
, clothes online shopping
sales
made up 16%.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 89%.
Vocabulary: Replace the words sales with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Market share
  • Distribution
  • Retail sector
  • Consumer preferences
  • Growth/decline
  • Trend
  • Technological advancements
  • e-commerce
  • Comparison
  • Percentage
  • Online shopping sales
  • Sectoral shifts
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