IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Mobile phones should be banned in public places such as libraries and shops and on public transport. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#phones #places #libraries #shops #transport
There is a conflicting view among
people
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the average
age
 of drinking. Several believe that it ought to be above the current set
age
 which is 21
years
, whilst others think that it should be up to an individual and
age
 shouldn’t be the deciding factor.
This
 essay will discuss the reasons for both views, which are the impact of drinking on one’s
career
 and health and
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of self-discipline in many youngsters. The current set
age
 for drinking
alcohol
 is 21
years
, which is
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 important duration of time to build
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
career
. Actions taken during
this
age
 contribute a lot towards building
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 successful
career
.
And
Correct word choice
Alcohol
show examples
alcohol
 or any sort of addictive substance interrupts a lot
in focusing
Change preposition
of focus
show examples
 on something that requires continuous hard work and self-discipline. It is
therefore
 agreed that
alcohol
 consumption should be legalized for the
age
 of
people
 above 25
years
.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that most of the individuals have completed the initial hard work required for building
successful
Add an article
a successful
show examples
career
 by
this
age
.
However
, others contend against
this
view point
Correct your spelling
viewpoint
show examples
 and argue that individuals should have the right to decide when they should start drinking, and
age
 shouldn’t be given the preference
while
 making that decision.
Moreover
, they
also
 advocate that
people
 are rational and, they can decide what is good for them.
On the contrary
, as per the survey conducted by the Harvard Research Center, only 20% of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters actually put
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
to avoid
Change preposition
into avoiding
show examples
 things that give them temporary gratification despite knowing their future ramifications. In conclusion,
drinking
Correct article usage
the drinking
show examples
age
 should be above the current set
age
 of 21
years
 because steps taken towards the future
career
 goal are paramount for success, and
alcohol
 prevents youngsters from putting required hard work for the same.
Additionally
, not all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 are disciplined enough to abstain
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
from addictive substances despite knowing their harmful effects.
Submitted by aayushvsanghvi8 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure the topic of the essay is addressed directly and precisely. The provided essay discusses the issue of drinking age, while the topic is about banning mobile phones in public places. Staying on topic is crucial for task achievement.
Task Achievement
Develop clear and comprehensive ideas by staying focused on the given topic. When the topic is correctly understood and addressed, ensure your ideas directly relate to it and support your argument with relevant examples or evidence.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, make sure to use a variety of linking words and phrases to join ideas and sentences. While the essay has good structure, more varied linguistic devices could create smoother transitions between points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Though well-structured in terms of paragraphs, ensuring that each paragraph supports a single, clear idea related to the question can help maintain logical flow and improve coherence.
Introduction & Conclusion
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the importance of an introduction and a conclusion, effectively setting up and summarizing your argument.
Logical Structure
You have structured your essay well into paragraphs, each addressing different aspects of the discussion, which helps in maintaining a logical flow throughout your essay.
Supported Main Points
The main points made in the essay are supported by reasoning, indicating an effort to build a coherent argument around the topic, albeit slightly off the given topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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