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Band 5

Some people think that women should not be allowed to work in the police force. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #women #work #police #force
A group of individuals thinks that females should not be permitted in
the
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apply
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policing jobs. I reckon that it is a
discriminated
Replace the word
discriminatory
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 approach towards a gender and might result in the imbalance of power held by
both
 genders.
To begin
 with, equal employment opportunities should be offered to job seekers and no partiality should be done on the basis of sex. Scientific evidence suggests that
both
 men and
women
 are built with
same
Change the article
the same
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 kind of physiological and analogical
characters
Replace the word
characteristics
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.
Also
,
both
 genders possess similar intellectual abilities. So, why
women
 are not to be considered for a specific career is a questionable thing.
Additionally
,
career
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a career
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 in
such
profession
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a profession
show examples
 can assist females to gain power and status in
the
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apply
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society which they lagged
earlier
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in earlier
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due to
the
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apply
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gender
biasis
Correct your spelling
biases
bias
.
Consequently
,
balance
Correct article usage
a balance
show examples
 of power will bring about harmony and peace.
Moreover
, females are generally more productive individuals at work. Their contribution could take
police
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the police
show examples
 force to
next
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the next
show examples
levels
Fix the agreement mistake
level
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.
For instance
, one study suggests that
women
's productivity is higher as compared to their male counterparts
due to
 their multifarious responsibilities at
both
 home and work. They have to nourish their kids at home,
due
Correct word choice
and due
show examples
 to
this
 fact, they finish their work on time.
However
, males do not have
much
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many
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 household chores on them
thus
 they tend to
procastinate
Correct your spelling
procrastinate
 at
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
 and they do not have any urgency to go
to
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apply
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home.
Furthermore
,
women
 will get more things done within a particular
timespan
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time span
show examples
.
Such
 kinds of great contributors are required in every profession.
To conclude
,
women
 should become part of
public
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the public
show examples
 services department so that their skills get recognized in
soceity
Correct your spelling
society
. Not only it will help them to raise their voice and status in
the
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apply
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society but
also
 it will help to establish a more democratic and
an
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apply
show examples
equal society.
Submitted by Kiran on

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Language Use
Be mindful of maintaining formal language throughout the essay. Terms like 'reckon' might feel too informal for this context. Consider using 'believe' or 'think' instead.
Support and Examples
Try to provide more concrete examples to support your argument. Although you mentioned a study about women's productivity, citing more specific data, research, or cases would make your argument stronger.
Grammar and Sentence Structure
Watch out for minor grammatical errors and aim for a bit more variety in sentence structures to enhance the readability and sophistication of your writing.
Argument Structure
You have done a great job presenting a clear thesis statement and maintaining focus on it throughout your essay. This helps in keeping your argument coherent and engaging.
Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the essay's main points and restates the thesis in a compelling way, which is excellent practice for closing an argument.
Flow and Logic
The essay demonstrates a good use of transitions and logical sequencing of ideas which aids in the overall flow and coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • inherent equality
  • law enforcement
  • empathy
  • gender-based violence
  • community relations
  • diversity
  • team performance
  • systemic gender bias
  • physical requirements
  • culture of masculinity
What to do next:
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