IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some believe that showing people happy pictures (pictures in which outstanding achievements are made in helping the poor) is more effective in encouraging them to take action to solve poverty than sad pictures ( that show how hard life can be for the poor). Do you agree or disagree? Why?

#believe #people #pictures #achievements #action #poverty #show #life
In
this
 period of modernity, many
people
 suggest that showing positive pictures of helped poor
people
 including successive
outcome
Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
show examples
 can stimulate
people
’s
attempting
Wrong verb form
attempt
show examples
 to volunteer
easier
Rephrase
more easily
show examples
 than showing negative visual documents. In
this
 society, Exposing
contents
Correct article usage
the contents
show examples
 of reality became a part of promoting
donation
Fix the agreement mistake
donations
show examples
 or other volunteer activities. In my opinion, I disagree with
this
 notion because I see ‘empathy’ as a strong trigger for
people
 to help others. Supporting my disagreement
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the given statement, I firmly believe that to move
people
’s
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
, we need sensational
pop ups
Add a hyphen
pop-ups
show examples
 to catch their eye.
Among
Change preposition
In
show examples
 our busy society,
people
 don’t have enough time and spatial
spare
Correct your spelling
space
show examples
 these days. To cite an example, it is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 same principle with advertising. ‘ More stimulating Internet banners are, more viewers are clicking ‘.
Moreover
,
fact
Fix the agreement mistake
facts
show examples
 can be distorted
while
 visualizing
overjoyed
Correct article usage
an overjoyed
show examples
 picture. Actually, promoting
donation
Fix the agreement mistake
donations
show examples
 or other voluntary
movement
Fix the agreement mistake
movements
show examples
 includes intentions to let
people
 know the precise situation of
problem
Add an article
the problem
show examples
.
However
, If positive outcomes are preferred, other collateral things may become more visible than realistic situations. Explaining some of the
another supporting points
Replace the adjective
another supporting point
other supporting points
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
against
this
 statement, it is true that too exaggerated
description
Fix the agreement mistake
descriptions
show examples
 of facts can put pressure or qualms on random
people
. To add to that,
people
 are emotionally vulnerable these days, it can cause negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 to society with its mindless exposure. In conclusion,
however
, I believe that with accurate direction and purpose, showing heavy-hearted pictures can make more
people
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
put themselves in someone’s shoes far and away.
Submitted by minji.choi.1201 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Make sure to provide a balanced view in your essay, especially if you are disagreeing with a statement. Offering a counter-argument before stating your own opinion can strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures more to enhance the readability and flow of your essay. Utilizing a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences can make your writing more engaging.
Task Achievement
Always provide specific examples to support your main points. These examples should clearly relate to the topic and help illustrate your arguments effectively.
Task Achievement
You have clearly articulated your disagreement with the given statement, which effectively sets the tone for your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your stance and reiterates the importance of empathetic responses, demonstrating a good understanding of essay structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: