IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Wite about the following topic: The most important aim of science should be to improve people's lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#wite #topic #aim #science #people #lives
I partially agree with the topic.
It is clear that
 almost everyone would pursue longevity, whether it derives from the fear of death, or the greed of humanity that craves to explore more about
this
 world.
However
, in my opinion, when we encounter certain situations, the priority changes, and it would be
unnecessarily
Change the word
unnecessary
show examples
 to hold on to
this
 desire. Thinking
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 first sight, I immediately recalled my grandparents, especially my grandmother, who passed away
few
Change the article
a few
show examples
 years ago. It is her and her story that showed me what should we value in our short life decades and when
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
we know it is fine to let go. My grandmother passed away
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
her
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
101 years old, which is relatively much higher than most of the elderly. But what I like to point out is she could still talk, walk, eat, and live independently until
then
.
Health
 has always been her first
priorities
Fix the agreement mistake
priority
show examples
, but it is more than that, she takes care of all dimensions of
health
, literally every aspect. She believes that long life only matters when you still have the freedom and the ability to discover the world on your own. Around her
last
 year, she got a small cold, which at first
seems
Wrong verb form
seemed
show examples
 nothing to worry about back
then
.
However
, it turned out that her
body
 couldn’t bear
this
 small intrusion. Not because her
body
 isn’t healthy, but because her
body
 has
used
Add a missing verb
been used
show examples
over
Change preposition
for over
show examples
 100 years. When she lost her
conscious
Replace the word
consciousness
show examples
 and the doctors declared with only a slight chance that she would recover, we knew it was
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time. We let go of our dearest when they can’t continue to explore the world. Even when science
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 developed today and probably can save her
body
 out of
dangerous
Replace the word
danger
show examples
, there is no point
to restrain
Change preposition
in restraining
show examples
 their soul in
this
body
. She couldn’t be truly contented when her physical ability was damaged, and all her life
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 limited to
this
 small white room. Borrowing the words from the topic, to the extent
of
Change preposition
that
show examples
 one of the mental
health
 or physical
health
 can’t show
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 value, I wouldn’t disagree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 statement.
Submitted by lil40629890 on

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task achievement
Make sure to directly address the prompt's statement in both the introduction and conclusion for a stronger position and clearer argument.
coherence cohesion
For a more cohesive essay, using a variety of linking words can help connect ideas more smoothly across paragraphs.
task achievement
Clarify your stance early in the essay to guide the reader through your argument with ease.
task achievement
Incorporate a balanced discussion on the importance of scientific aims apart from improving lives to fully engage with the essay topic.
task achievement
Your essay provides a deeply personal and compelling example to support your viewpoint, enhancing its persuasive power.
coherence cohesion
The structured presentation of your argument, with a clear progression from personal anecdotes to broader implications, strengthens the coherence and cohesion of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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