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Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #individuals #societies #levels #achievement #merits #relationship #equality #success
In
this
 modern era,human freedom
consider
Wrong verb form
is considered
show examples
 at first in each community whenever people decide to do something.There is a
controvesial
Correct your spelling
controversial
 statement on whether some believe that individuals can be successful with equal opportunities
while
 others argue that they could
be succeed
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succeed
show examples
 with
assit
Correct your spelling
assist
 of their own abilities. In
this
 essay,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will discuss some views with reasons and draw a logical conclusion. Ostensibly, there are various reasons behind the issue like folk should have equal rights and freedoms for their achievements.
Firslty
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Firstly
,it is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 responsibility of
community
Add an article
the community
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 to deal equally with all of
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 citizens.
For example
, in
case
Correct article usage
the case
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 of
apply
Change the form of the verb
applying
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 for jobs
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
their
Replace the word
there
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 is huge competition among
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals but there are ideas like corruption work and people who
offers
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offer
show examples
 money for jobs they will
selected
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select
show examples
.
As a result
,
this
 notion will have dreadful effects on the dreams of other
commutors
Correct your spelling
commuters
 who
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 struggling for a long time.
Secondly
, it should be imperative to assist needy
peope
Correct your spelling
people
 because they have
no
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not
show examples
 enough support to fulfil their targets.
Submitted by kaurbhagwant95 on

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Task Completion
Please ensure to provide a conclusion that summarises your views and findings. This will help make your essay complete and round off your argument effectively.
Language Accuracy
Be mindful of spelling and grammar throughout your text. For instance, 'controvesial' should be 'controversial', and 'firslty' should be 'firstly'. Accurate spelling is crucial for clear communication.
Language Range
Work on using a broader vocabulary to express your ideas. This can enrich your essay and make your arguments more compelling.
Supporting Examples
Your essay would benefit from more specific examples to support your points. While you mention general instances, providing detailed scenarios will strengthen your argument.
Idea Development
Consider developing your ideas further by exploring both views mentioned in the prompt more deeply before presenting your own view. This will demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Introduction
You have introduced the topic and outlined the two contrasting views effectively, setting a clear framework for your discussion.
Topic Engagement
Your essay addresses an important societal issue, showcasing your ability to engage with complex topics.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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