IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number,...) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#people #information #address #telephone #activities #networks #purposes #development
In the actual world,
people
 commonly post
information
 on different social media platforms and
websites
.
This
 includes sharing personal
data
 which in my view,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is not beneficial because hackers can steal your personal
information
 and
also
people
 can stalk others. With the advance of the internet,
people
 can sort different types of daily tasks online including banking, professional meetings and grocery shopping,
for example
. In
this
 context,
websites
 frequently request specific
information
such
 as addresses, phone numbers and emails.
Although
 web developers guarantee that sharing personal
data
 on
websites
 is a safe act, there are always concerns that a breach of
data
 can expose clients. Indeed, hackers are often trying to invade online systems in order to sell
people
's
information
 on the dark web. In 2022, Australians experienced one of the biggest cyber attacks in their story. Inevitably,
milions
Correct your spelling
millions
 of clients had their
information
 stolen from ANZ Bank and ATM Health Insurance databank. Many customers are still receiving scams calls and emails
due to
this
 online coup. Another main motive why sharing personal
information
 online is risky is that individuals can make themselves more vulnerable to stalkers. It is undeniable that sharing daily routines and special moments of their life online can be a great way to socialise with friends when you have a busy life.
Likewise
Add a comma
Likewise,
show examples
 it is part of the new habits of the modern world.
Nevertheless
, many social media users are careless when sharing
information
, which puts them in a vulnerable position.
Consequently
Add a comma
Consequently,
show examples
people
 with bad
intention
Fix the agreement mistake
intentions
show examples
 can follow and even stalk them not only in the online
word
Correct your spelling
world
show examples
 but offline too. Recently, a
brazilian
Change the capitalization
Brazilian
show examples
 actress won a process in court
againt
Correct your spelling
against
 a stalker fan
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 started to follow her everywhere, after observing her routine posted online. To
reinterate
Correct your spelling
reiterate
, sharing personal
information
 online
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social media and
websites
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is common nowadays but, in my view, can have negative aspects.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that hackers can steal online
data
using
Change preposition
by using
show examples
 it for illegal activities and
also
 because
people
 are more vulnerable to stalkers.
Submitted by betinhaa00 on

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Introduction
Remember to introduce your essay with a clear statement on your position regarding the topic. This helps to set the tone for your argument.
Conclusion
Make sure to conclude your essay by summarizing your main points and reiterating your stance, providing a clear conclusion to your argument.
Coherence
Try to use a variety of linking words to connect your ideas more smoothly and improve the flow of your essay.
Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, supported by specific examples or reasons. This will add clarity and depth to your arguments.
Language
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and aim to use a wider range of vocabulary to further enhance the quality of your essay.
Examples
You provided relevant and specific examples to support your points, effectively illustrating the risks associated with sharing personal information online.
Task Response
Your essay addresses the task directly, presenting a clear viewpoint and fully developing your answer.
Structure
The structure of your essay is logical, with a progression of ideas that leads the reader through your argument in a coherent manner.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Personal information
  • Online privacy
  • Security concerns
  • Identity theft
  • Enhanced connectivity
  • Convenient access
  • Social networks
  • Banking purposes
  • Positive development
  • Negative impact
What to do next:
Look at other essays: