IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some say that music, art and drama areas important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or disagree?

#say #music #art #drama #areas #school #subjects #level
In recent years, there
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 many opinions that
comes
Change the verb form
come
show examples
 from negative and positive aspects
Change preposition
on that
show examples
that
Correct word choice
whether
show examples
subjects
 like music, art and drama should be
tought
Correct your spelling
taught
 in schools or not. Some believe that these are not useful
whlie
Correct your spelling
while
 others have different ideas. In my point of
view
Add a comma
view,
show examples
 I agree that they should be in schools as lessons and in
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will assert my ideas about my view.
First,
such
 types of studies could be like entertainment for students.
This
 means that
this
subjects
Change the determiner
subject
show examples
coulds
Correct your spelling
could
 lessen the non-friendly environment of some classes like
mathmatics
Correct your spelling
mathematics
 and pull student toward
som
Correct your spelling
some
show examples
 kind of rest in their mind. Even more, being them
beween
Correct your spelling
between
 other
subjects
 could help better understanding
while
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 lack of them may create some boring time that leads to reduction of efficiency of classes.
For instance
, most of our classes in schools
spent
Add a missing verb
are spent
show examples
 by spiritless tutors and lessons and its consequences
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 obvious right now.
This
phenomenan
Correct your spelling
phenomenon
phenomena
 caused we could not
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
show examples
 appropriate interests
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
our
Change the pronoun
the
show examples
 important majors
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
our
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
life. In
contarst
Correct your spelling
contrast
,
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of
diversiy
Correct your spelling
diversity
 makes us bored.
Second,
Correct article usage
the subects
show examples
subects
Correct your spelling
subjects
 that
mentioned
Add a missing verb
are mentioned
show examples
 are very useful for society and I believe that one of
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 possible places
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 becoming
familliar
Correct your spelling
familiar
 with them
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 in
schooles
Correct your spelling
schools
show examples
 and as a major.
In addition
, maybe most
student
Change to a plural noun
students
show examples
 have many
talent
Change to a plural noun
talents
show examples
 in
such
 topics that never
discoverd
Correct your spelling
discovered
. So, introducing them to pupils could create a robust actor or musician.
On
Change preposition
In
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
Fix the agreement mistake
words
show examples
word
Add a comma
word,
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 studies had no less importance than other
subjects
. Take Yasin Goreishi as the most
patently
Change the adverb
patent
show examples
 example, he was
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 painter
that
Correct word choice
who
show examples
discoverd
Correct your spelling
discovered
 by
help
Add an article
the help
show examples
 of his teacher and nowadays
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 many
magnificant
Correct your spelling
magnificent
 drawings. To sum it up, art, music
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
etc.
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 significant roles in
progress
Add an article
the progress
show examples
 of nations and
had
Verb problem
are
show examples
 as important as other majors so, lack of enough attention to them may result
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 dire consequences for
this
 topic and
also
Correct article usage
the cultur
show examples
cultur
Correct your spelling
culture
 of society. Even more, those who are not keen on learning them may
tends
Change the verb form
tend
show examples
 to know a little about
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 or maybe enjoy having some pleasure times
dedication
Replace the word
dedicated
show examples
 to those
subjects
.
Submitted by Saeed201271 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentence Structure
Work on varying your sentence structures more and try to avoid overly complex sentences that could be prone to errors. This will help improve the clarity and coherence of your writing.
Task Achievement
Try to focus more on developing your arguments with clear examples. While you've provided some, delving deeper into specifics and how they support your main point would strengthen your essay.
Grammar & Vocabulary
Consider revising and proofreading your essay to correct grammatical errors and improve word choice. Accurate language use can significantly enhance the quality of your argument.
Essay Structure
Ensure that your essay has clear introductory and concluding paragraphs. This helps to frame your argument and leave the reader with a strong impression of your viewpoint.
Task Response
You made a strong case for the inclusion of art, music, and drama in educational curriculums, which directly addresses the essay question.
Example Usage
Using an example such as Yasin Goreishi helps to make your arguments more compelling. More examples like this can provide concrete evidence to support your points.
Content Depth
Your essay demonstrates an understanding of the importance of subject diversity within education, highlighting its benefits to student well-being and potential talent discovery.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • foster
  • imaginative thinking
  • innovation
  • emotional balance
  • non-verbal
  • inclusive education
  • kinesthetic learners
  • fine motor skills
  • coordination
  • cultural diversity
  • tolerance
  • empathy
  • critical thinking
  • interpret
  • artistic expressions
What to do next:
Look at other essays: