Some people say that parents have the most important role in a child's development. However, others argue that other things like television or friends have the most siginificant influence. Discuss both views and opine.
Some individuals think
parents
have a crucial role in children
's development. However
, other people believe that things like television
or pals have the most significant role. While
some parents
believe that television
and friends
have a huge influence
on children
's development, I strongly believe that parents
have a crucial influence
on kids
' evolution.
On the one hand, some parents
think that friends
and television
set
Fix the agreement mistake
sets
influence
their children
because they spend a lot of time together. Firstly
, if chidren
do not follow the crew, they might be rejected, so they tend to imitate their pals. Correct your spelling
children
This
mental pressure lead
them to look alike and behave the same Change the verb form
leads
way
. Secondly
, procreators believe that each generation behave
in Change the verb form
behaves
specific
Change the article
a specific
way
, so they tend to have similar academic goals, and they influence
each other along the way
. For instance
, In The United States, the vast majority of high-school students follow intragrams trends, and those who do not follow this
, they
might suffer from being bullied. Correct pronoun usage
apply
This
way
we can see how friends
might have some pressure on kids
. However
, I believe this
way
of thought it
is totally wrong because Correct pronoun usage
apply
children
are leading children
.
On the other hand
, the vast majority of parents
strongly believe that they have a significant infuence
on their Correct your spelling
influence
children
because they have raised and teach
them values. Wrong verb form
taught
To begin
with, kids
learn from parents
since they are toddlers, so they are role models in children
's lives. More importantly, at home
Add a comma
home,
children
learn values that they must follow to honor their family. These are such
as respecting adults and teachers, behaving in public spaces and things like that. As result
, if they do not follow these Correct article usage
a result
morals
values, they might be rejected at home, so Change the noun form
moral
this
moral codes Correct determiner usage
these
definetly
Correct your spelling
definitely
influence
them on their development. To illustrate, a
research at Fullerton College states that humans tend to imitate their surroundings and people Remove the article
apply
Change preposition
with who
who
they Change the pronoun
whom
spent
the most time during their lives, Wrong verb form
spend
this
is why it is important who is around children
. I strongly believe that parents
are the first people who influence
their children
.
To conclude
, although
some parents
believe that friends
and television
is
the main Correct subject-verb agreement
are
influence
on their kids
because they get along to
each other, I strongly believe that tutors and guardians are the main influences Change preposition
with
to
their Change preposition
on
children
becuase
Correct your spelling
because
children
learn from first hand
experience.Add a hyphen
first-hand
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General
Try to vary your sentence structures more to enhance readability and showcase a wider range of language skills.
General
Make sure to carefully proofread your essay to correct minor spelling or grammar mistakes that may distract from your overall message.
Task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments, demonstrating a deeper understanding of the topic.
Coherence and cohesion
Work on enhancing the connection between your ideas and paragraphs for a smoother flow of information.
Task achievement
You've done a good job of discussing both views on the topic before providing your own opinion, which aligns well with the task requirements.
Coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively bookend your discussion, helping to solidify your argument.
Coherence and cohesion
You have supported your main points with explanations and an example, which strengths your argument.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?