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Band 5.5

The proportion of older people is increasing, what problems will this cause and what solutions can be suggested?

#proportion #people
Nowadays the percentage of elders
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 significantly increasing day by day.
At
Change preposition
In
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
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circumstances like
this
peolple
Correct your spelling
people
 have to develop more facilities
such
 as health
care
, aged
care
 and
disabilility
Correct your spelling
disability
 transport for them. In
this
 essay, I will
eleborate
Correct your spelling
elaborate
what
Change preposition
on what
show examples
 are the complications and how
those kind
Change the determiner
that kind
those kinds
show examples
 of things can be solved. First of all, the old people are
valuable
Add an article
a valuable
show examples
 asset to the country because they have done a massive job to build up a good society.
Because of
Change preposition
For
show examples
 that reason,
Correct article usage
the goverment
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 needs to put some extra weight
to look
Change preposition
on looking
show examples
 after them
while
giving
Verb problem
providing
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good
Correct pronoun usage
them good
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 facilities. In order to provide
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 life for them it needs to develop health
care
 facilities namely, free health
care
benifits
Correct your spelling
benefits
 and monthly pensions.
This
 will be
Correct article usage
an expencive
show examples
expencive
Correct your spelling
expensive
 task to
fullfill
Correct your spelling
fulfil
 and the burden will be imposed on the general public.
On the other hand
, there is a shortage
in
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of
show examples
 aged
care
 workers to assist the elders, as a
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 needs to take
actions
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action
show examples
 to recruit new staff
abd
Correct your spelling
and
 train them.
Secondly
, I would like to introduce some solutions to
above mentioned
Add a hyphen
above-mentioned
show examples
 issues and how those things can be
workedout
Correct your spelling
worked out
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
futue
Correct your spelling
future
. As
Add an article
a solution
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solution
Add a comma
solution,
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 we can implement
fund raising
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fundraising
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 projects, call for
donation
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donations
show examples
 and
introducing
Wrong verb form
introduce
show examples
 a tax on people.
Furthermore
, to look after them hospitals need trained staff, doctors and nurses who can assist them and
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 to do the
recruitments
Fix the agreement mistake
recruitment
show examples
 as well. These days in the society, there are less number of trained people and they need to undergo proper training. In order to do
this
 government
hast
Correct your spelling
has
show examples
 to implement new training colleges. In connection,
this
 essay elaborates
problems
Change preposition
on problems
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 and solutions a society faces when it has
and
Correct your spelling
an
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aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population. I strongly believe that these suggestions will assist in overcoming these
trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
show examples
.
Submitted by lahiru_80 on

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Structural Advice
Ensure your essay is well-organized by clearly dividing it into paragraphs, each representing a unique idea or aspect of your response. This structure was generally well-applied in your essay.
Language Use
To further strengthen your essay, work on varying your sentence structures to avoid repetition and make your writing more engaging. This will also showcase your language proficiency.
Content Development
Try to back up your points with more specific examples or evidence. This will not only verify your claims but also make your arguments more convincing and in-depth.
Accuracy
Be mindful of spelling and grammatical errors, as they can detract from the clarity of your arguments. Proofreading can greatly improve the overall quality of your writing.
Task Response
You provided a clear response to the topic, identifying problems and suggesting viable solutions effectively.
Coherence
Your essay maintains a logical flow, which is an essential aspect of coherence and cohesion. The introduction and conclusion frame your arguments well.
Topic Engagement
You've done well in engaging with the essay prompt by offering concrete solutions to the problems discussed, helping achieve a good task response score.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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