IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is teaching
children
Use synonyms
 to have
moral
Add an article
a moral
show examples
 sense that matters.
And some
Correct word choice
Some
show examples
 people
maybe
Correct your spelling
may
show examples
 consider it a requirement to punish kids to deal with
this
Linking Words
 problem.
This
Linking Words
 is probably a viable solution, but I do not agree
that is
Linking Words
 the only option. First and Foremost, if punishment is necessary,
children
Use synonyms
 will possibly choose the right option;
otherwise
Linking Words
, they can be punished.
Thus
Linking Words
,
penalty
Correct article usage
the penalty
show examples
 serves as a deterrent, either a fine or a family order,
can
Correct word choice
and can
show examples
 impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
children'
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 s life.
For example
Linking Words
, if they pay a fine for littering with pocket money, they may have less pocket money for covering snacks, toys, etc.
However
Linking Words
, in cases where they
reoffend
Correct your spelling
re-offend
, they may even be required to clean the rooms and wash the dishes.
Therefore
Linking Words
, to avoid these consequences, they will choose to dispose of rubbish in the ways as instructed by the parents.
Second,
Linking Words
despite the potential outcome of
punitive
Add an article
a punitive
show examples
 approach, it may not be necessary when the parents have successfully educated the
children
Use synonyms
 to do the appropriate thing. Young kids dump waste recklessly because they do not realize the environmental benefit of keeping
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 clean. If schools and parents disseminate knowledge about
disposal
Add an article
the disposal
show examples
 of refuse,
children
Use synonyms
thus
Linking Words
 can develop good habits whenever possible from a young age.
Moreover
Linking Words
, some school campaigns,
for instance
Linking Words
, provide information about what items can be recycled. If
children
Use synonyms
 take the correct thing as a normal part of their lives, they
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 engage in
this
Linking Words
 activity voluntarily in the absence of punishment. In conclusion, punishment may be required in some cases where
children
Use synonyms
 do not behave correctly, but it is unnecessary if they have been taught to make the best choice since childhood.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

content depth
In your future essays, consider elaborating more on your examples to further support your viewpoints. More detailed examples can enhance the effectiveness of your argument.
argumentative strategy
Try to maintain a balance between theoretical explanations and practical examples. This will make your argument more comprehensive and persuasive.
structural improvement
While you've done a good job in introducing and concluding your essay, adding a thesis statement in your introduction and a summarizing sentence in your conclusion could make your positions clearer from the outset.
structure
You've structured your essay well, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion that echoes your main points.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is coherent and cohesive, with logical progression of ideas and effective use of connecting words.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • punishment
  • positive reinforcement
  • consequences
  • time-outs
  • removal of privileges
  • open communication
  • clear expectations
  • consistency
  • fairness
  • disciplinary action
  • proportionate
  • moral values
  • internalization
What to do next:
Look at other essays: