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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

More and more people move away from family and friends for working. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?

#people #move #friends
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These days the number of
people
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 who are interested in living far from their families and friends has been increasing. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument and explain my support. On the one hand, the main merit of moving to a new location is to get diverse career opportunities. In fact, getting far from family and friends not only helps
people
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 to apply for better jobs but
also
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 can lead to gaining new experiences, and even making new friends. Particularly,
people
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 living in small towns have fewer employment opportunities than
people
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 living in metropolitan cities.
Furthermore
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, living in a new location enables individuals to embrace their responsibilities and
also
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 foster a sense of independence and self-reliance .
However
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, it is important to recognize that there are disadvantages associated with moving to a new place, the most significant of which is a feeling of loneliness and solitude. Should one not have strong support, and
also
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 the new location not meet their needs, it results from depression and stress. Another demerit of living apart from parents is the financial pressure that may occur
due to
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 the rising costs of living.
According to
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 a recent survey conducted by Cambridge University around 20 per cent of young
people
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 living far from their families cannot cover the cost of accommodation, bills, and household. In conclusion,
although
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 by moving to a new place,
people
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 seize new career opportunities, achieve greater success and even experience personal growth, I am of the opinion that the drawback of
this
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 circumstance has surpassed its positive effect with regard to the financial limitations.
Submitted by hongminh317 on

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Structure
Your essay is well-structured, making it easy to understand your arguments. In future essays, ensure to maintain a clear and logical flow from the introduction through to the conclusion.
Content Depth
To enhance the task fulfillment, consider exploring both sides of the argument in more depth. This includes elaborating on how the advantages might outweigh the disadvantages or vice versa, based on the essay prompt.
Detailing
You provided relevant examples to support your points, which is excellent. Try to integrate more specific details or statistics to strengthen your arguments further.
Conclusion
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes your viewpoint, which is good practice. However, to improve, make sure your conclusion clearly reflects a weighed consideration of both sides before stating your final opinion.
Structure
Logical flow and structure enhances readability
Examples
Good use of examples to support points
Introduction & Conclusion
Clear introduction and conclusion
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