Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Every
country
has their own regulation system in terms of national defense
. Some countries have adopted compulsory military Change the spelling
defence
service
for their young generation after graduating from school. Moreover
, it would be a good example for other countries to use the same system for men and women if possible. I strongly agree with this
idea that will be explained throughout the essay.
One compelling reason to stand with this
view is that the country
's military defense
will be stronger Change the spelling
defence
while
facing the
unexpected conflict in the future. Correct article usage
apply
After graduating
from school, Change preposition
Graduating
it
is a good way Correct pronoun usage
apply
for teaching
the younger generation to become more nationalist by leading them to contribute to protecting their Change preposition
to teach
country
. For example
, the military service
of South Korea already produces many strong and nationalist young people
in their program
which will be a benefit for their country
's defense
. Change the spelling
defence
This
method would be a successful way for creating
a good association among societies.
Change preposition
to create
However
, it will be really effective if the government creates good requirements for the youth to join the program
. The health condition should be one of many aspects to be considered by people
to take part in this
association. It would create a problem if it is
mandatory for young Wrong verb form
were
people
to be included without checking their condition first,
so the ones with a
chronic health Correct article usage
apply
problem
should be excluded. Fix the agreement mistake
problems
Moreover
, the age limitation is also
an important aspect. The older and older people
get, the less fitter
they will be. Change the word
fit
For instance
, the age of thirty is the last
chance for young people
to register themselves in this
military service
program
.
In conclusion, the idea of having compulsory military service
is a good program
for every country
to adopt in order to increase the protection for
their Change preposition
of
country
. Moreover
, I agree with this
situation because it will be an effective way for young people
to grow their patriotism and nationalism.Submitted by raymond.sebastianvl on
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Introduction & Conclusion
You've done a great job introducing and concluding your essay, which provides a clear structure that effectively guides the reader through your argument.
Coherence
To enhance your coherence, consider linking your ideas more explicitly using a variety of transitional phrases. This will make the flow of your essay even smoother.
Details & Examples
For an even stronger essay, you might include more specific details or data to support your arguments, such as statistics, factual examples, or citing credible sources.
Balanced Argument
It's beneficial to explore both sides of an argument in depth. While you've mentioned potential concerns, expanding on these with equal consideration can provide a more balanced view and strengthen your overall argument.
Structure & Clarity
Your argument is well-structured, with a clear introduction, development of ideas, and a conclusion that summarises your viewpoint effectively.
Use of Examples
You've used relevant examples, like the reference to South Korea's military service, to support your argument, which makes your essay persuasive.