Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Every
country
has their own regulation system in terms of national
defense
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defence
show examples
. Some countries have adopted compulsory military
service
for their young generation after graduating from school.
Moreover
, it would be a good example for other countries to use the same system for men and women if possible. I strongly agree with
this
idea that will be explained throughout the essay. One compelling reason to stand with
this
view is that the
country
's military
defense
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defence
show examples
will be stronger
while
facing
the
Correct article usage
apply
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unexpected conflict in the future.
After graduating
Change preposition
Graduating
show examples
from school,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is a good way
for teaching
Change preposition
to teach
show examples
the younger generation to become more nationalist by leading them to contribute to protecting their
country
.
For example
, the military
service
of South Korea already produces many strong and nationalist young
people
in their
program
which will be a benefit for their
country
's
defense
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defence
show examples
.
This
method would be a successful way
for creating
Change preposition
to create
show examples
a good association among societies.
However
, it will be really effective if the government creates good requirements for the youth to join the
program
. The health condition should be one of many aspects to be considered by
people
to take part in
this
association. It would create a problem if it
is
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
mandatory for young
people
to be included without checking their condition
first,
so the ones with
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
chronic health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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should be excluded.
Moreover
, the age limitation is
also
an important aspect. The older and older
people
get, the less
fitter
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fit
show examples
they will be.
For instance
, the age of thirty is the
last
chance for young
people
to register themselves in
this
military
service
program
. In conclusion, the idea of having compulsory military
service
is a good
program
for every
country
to adopt in order to increase the protection
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
their
country
.
Moreover
, I agree with
this
situation because it will be an effective way for young
people
to grow their patriotism and nationalism.
Submitted by raymond.sebastianvl on

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Introduction & Conclusion
You've done a great job introducing and concluding your essay, which provides a clear structure that effectively guides the reader through your argument.
Coherence
To enhance your coherence, consider linking your ideas more explicitly using a variety of transitional phrases. This will make the flow of your essay even smoother.
Details & Examples
For an even stronger essay, you might include more specific details or data to support your arguments, such as statistics, factual examples, or citing credible sources.
Balanced Argument
It's beneficial to explore both sides of an argument in depth. While you've mentioned potential concerns, expanding on these with equal consideration can provide a more balanced view and strengthen your overall argument.
Structure & Clarity
Your argument is well-structured, with a clear introduction, development of ideas, and a conclusion that summarises your viewpoint effectively.
Use of Examples
You've used relevant examples, like the reference to South Korea's military service, to support your argument, which makes your essay persuasive.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
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