IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Every
country
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 has their own regulation system in terms of national
defense
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defence
show examples
. Some countries have adopted compulsory military
service
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 for their young generation after graduating from school.
Moreover
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, it would be a good example for other countries to use the same system for men and women if possible. I strongly agree with
this
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 idea that will be explained throughout the essay. One compelling reason to stand with
this
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 view is that the
country
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's military
defense
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defence
show examples
 will be stronger
while
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 facing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unexpected conflict in the future.
After graduating
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Graduating
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 from school,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is a good way
for teaching
Change preposition
to teach
show examples
 the younger generation to become more nationalist by leading them to contribute to protecting their
country
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.
For example
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, the military
service
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 of South Korea already produces many strong and nationalist young
people
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 in their
program
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 which will be a benefit for their
country
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's
defense
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defence
show examples
.
This
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 method would be a successful way
for creating
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to create
show examples
 a good association among societies.
However
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, it will be really effective if the government creates good requirements for the youth to join the
program
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. The health condition should be one of many aspects to be considered by
people
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 to take part in
this
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 association. It would create a problem if it
is
Wrong verb form
were
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 mandatory for young
people
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 to be included without checking their condition
first,
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so the ones with
a
Correct article usage
apply
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chronic health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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 should be excluded.
Moreover
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, the age limitation is
also
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 an important aspect. The older and older
people
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 get, the less
fitter
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fit
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 they will be.
For instance
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, the age of thirty is the
last
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 chance for young
people
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 to register themselves in
this
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 military
service
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program
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. In conclusion, the idea of having compulsory military
service
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 is a good
program
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 for every
country
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 to adopt in order to increase the protection
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
country
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 situation because it will be an effective way for young
people
Use synonyms
 to grow their patriotism and nationalism.

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Introduction & Conclusion
You've done a great job introducing and concluding your essay, which provides a clear structure that effectively guides the reader through your argument.
Coherence
To enhance your coherence, consider linking your ideas more explicitly using a variety of transitional phrases. This will make the flow of your essay even smoother.
Details & Examples
For an even stronger essay, you might include more specific details or data to support your arguments, such as statistics, factual examples, or citing credible sources.
Balanced Argument
It's beneficial to explore both sides of an argument in depth. While you've mentioned potential concerns, expanding on these with equal consideration can provide a more balanced view and strengthen your overall argument.
Structure & Clarity
Your argument is well-structured, with a clear introduction, development of ideas, and a conclusion that summarises your viewpoint effectively.
Use of Examples
You've used relevant examples, like the reference to South Korea's military service, to support your argument, which makes your essay persuasive.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
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