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Band 5.5

Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

#people #video #games #fun #tool #videos #effect
In today's rapidly evolving
world
, whether
Video
 gaming is a harmful act or not has become a topic of widespread debate among individuals. Some believe that playing these
games
 wastes our
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 and these gamers are addictive,
while
 others argue that they are beneficial and help with stress relief and coordination. I will delve into both views in
this
 essay and will express why
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 completely agree with the second opinion. On one hand, some
commentors
Correct your spelling
commentators
commenters
naievly
Correct your spelling
naively
 contend that the trend of
video
 gaming needs to be stopped; Claiming it is just a waste of time especially for children who usually spend
loads
Add an article
the loads
a loads
show examples
 amount of time enjoying
games
 with their gadgets.
In addition
, they address the
addictivenss
Correct your spelling
addictiveness
 of the
gadgests
Correct your spelling
gadgets
, which can affect the other aspects of people's
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
show examples
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 playing too much of them, they exemplify some children who are not able to live a day without their
games
 and have gotten used to them.
While
i
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I
show examples
 can understand these concerns,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 would say that these problems can easily
can
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apply
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be prevented with correct awareness and time control from parents.
On the other hand
, despite the
appparent
Correct your spelling
apparent
 drawbacks,
it is clear that
 there are
also
 significant advantages to
video
 gaming. First of all, It can help us
with alleviating
Change preposition
alleviate
show examples
 our stress from a
high pressure
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high-pressure
show examples
 working
world
 which many of us experience.
For
example
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example,
show examples
 the famous game called GTA has helped people
enjoying
Wrong verb form
enjoy
show examples
 a rule-less
world
 and do whatever they want in the game which fulfills
human
Correct article usage
the human
show examples
 mind and hinders potential outburns in the real
world
. In conclusion, Playing
video
games
 comes with some drawbacks, but in my opinion, those can easily addressed and the merits significantly
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
outweighs
 these drawbacks.
Submitted by soroush.nezami on

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Grammar/Spelling
Pay close attention to spelling and grammatical errors to enhance the overall clarity of your arguments. For example, 'commentors naievly' should be 'commentators naively', 'addictivenss of the gadgests' should be 'addictiveness of the gadgets', and 'outburns' should be 'outbursts'.
Argument Balance
Ensure balance in discussing both views before presenting your opinion to strengthen the argument structure. You might want to elaborate more objectively on the opposing view for a more balanced presentation before asserting your stance.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider using a wider range of linking devices and topic sentences to improve the flow and coherence of your essay. For instance, starting a new paragraph with phrases like 'Additionally', 'Furthermore', or 'Conversely' can guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
Task Response
You have successfully addressed the task by discussing both sides of the argument and clearly stating your opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a good logical structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Task Achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your views, which strengthens your arguments. The use of the GTA game as an example was particularly effective in illustrating your point.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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