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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The graphs show figures relating to hours worked and stress levels amongst professionals in eight groups. Describe the information shown to a university or a college lecture.

The graphs show figures relating to hours worked and stress levels amongst professionals in eight groups. Describe the information shown to a university or a college lecture.
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Delineated in the graph
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
overall
Linking Words
 working
hours
Use synonyms
 per week among certain
professinaols
Correct your spelling
professionals
,
whereas
Linking Words
 individuals having
strees
Correct your spelling
stress
streets
 oriented diseases across 8 groups. Looking from an
overall
Linking Words
 perspective, it is discernible that businessmen and film creators are working relatively more
hours
Use synonyms
 than other occupations,
while
Linking Words
 the most
effected
Correct your spelling
affected
show examples
 professionals from stress are the lecturers. When it comes to details, in terms of the bar chart, businessmen work a considerable amount of time with 70
hours
Use synonyms
, being the busiest professional
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the workforce.
Conversely
Linking Words
, programmers, lawyers, chefs and lecturers are spending
relatively
Add an article
a relatively
show examples
 smaller number of
hours
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
work, 40, 35, 30 and 25
hours
Use synonyms
, respectively. The remaining occupations, movie creators, doctors and writers, are working 60, 50, and 45
hours
Use synonyms
, respectively. Regarding the pie chart, a-fourth of the people suffering from
stress related
Add a hyphen
stress-related
show examples
 illness
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 lecturers,
follewed
Correct your spelling
followed
 by movie producers with 18 % and doctors
15
Change preposition
with 15
show examples
 %. Programmers are less affected occupation by
streea
Correct your spelling
street
, indicating 5 %. The remaining is distributed among other professionals.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words hours with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • average hours worked
  • stress levels
  • professional groups
  • correlation
  • highest/lowest
  • reported
  • variations
  • data
  • trends
  • patterns
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