You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree? You should write at least 250 words.
In the present world,
children
spend a substaintial
amount of Correct your spelling
substantial
times
playing computer games and scrolling social media. Some Fix the agreement mistake
time
believed
that participating in outdoor activities can be more helpful for Wrong verb form
believe
children
development, Change noun form
children's
due to
the fact that this
time
span is a
particularly important for Change the article
apply
tennagers
to grow both Correct your spelling
teenagers
phsically
and mentally. I agree that it is crucial to devote one's Correct your spelling
physically
time
into create
outdoor hobbies, and Change preposition
to creating
this
will be analyzed by bringing up the downsides of over-using electrical device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
as well as
the internet can have, and the benefits of outdoor activities in terms of phyiscial
strengths.
Correct your spelling
physical
Firstly
, in
contact with the internet or digital Add a missing verb
being in
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
for receiving
excessive Change preposition
to receive
informatioin
can create the symptom called "fear of missing out", which refers to the ones constantly going on social media or other platforms in the fear of missing any new things. It can lead to Correct your spelling
information
unbalanced
relationship with electronic products. Meanwhile, Add an article
an unbalanced
contribute
part of your Verb problem
spending
time
outside of the house, or near the
nature can make Correct article usage
apply
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
diffference
. It allows you to Correct your spelling
difference
differences
temporary
get away from stimulations, which can Change the adjective
temporarily
calme
one's nerves down, and focus on the present. For Correct your spelling
calm
exmple
, Correct your spelling
example
go on
Wrong verb form
going
a
hiking for an afternoon and Remove the article
apply
leave
your phone Wrong verb form
leaving
in
home can get you a few hours of rest. Change preposition
at
The nature
can purify both our Correct article usage
Nature
body
and our mind, reset
our pressure level before getting back to Correct word choice
and reset
the
reality.
Correct article usage
apply
Secondly
, outdoor activies
are usually more active and Correct your spelling
activities
requires
more physical Change the verb form
require
strengths
. The movements Fix the agreement mistake
strength
Correct pronoun usage
that appears
appears
in different Change the verb form
appear
activites
can train our control Correct your spelling
activities
to
our Change preposition
of
body
. For example
, hiking sometimes requires using you
hands and legs Change the pronoun
your
on
the same Change preposition
at
time
while
this
is not common in our daily life. Teenagers, in particulars
, needed Fix the agreement mistake
particular
this
kind of practice to help grow their body
performance. Also
, more
active lifestyle can help Correct article usage
a more
with
prevent obesity. Change preposition
apply
Moreover
, getting some vitamin D intakes
can help with bone density and Fix the agreement mistake
intake
heights
.
Fix the agreement mistake
height
To sum up
, I believe that outdoor activities are indeed a better choice for children
compared to computer games. Through outdoor activies
, we can reduce stress Correct your spelling
activities
level
and at the same Fix the agreement mistake
levels
time
stengthen
our physical Correct your spelling
strengthen
body
. Which is the first priority for any children
.Fix the agreement mistake
child
Submitted by lil40629890 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Structure
Your essay presents a well-defined stance on the topic and concludes your viewpoints clearly, which is great. To enhance clarity, you could benefit from presenting your ideas in a more structured manner by using clear paragraphing and connecting words.
Accuracy
Try to proofread your work to catch spelling mistakes and typos, such as 'substaintial', 'phsically', and 'exmple'. These small errors can distract the reader from your main points.
Language Use
Your argument would be stronger with more varied sentence structures and a wider range of vocabulary. This not only makes your essay more interesting to read but also demonstrates your language proficiency.
Detail
You've used relevant examples to support your points, but adding more specific, detailed examples would further strengthen your argument and make your essay more compelling.
Content
Your essay clearly agrees with the statement and explores both sides of the argument, highlighting the drawbacks of excessive screen time and the benefits of outdoor activities.
Examples
You effectively use examples, like the benefits of hiking, to support your arguments about the physical and mental benefits of outdoor activities.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.