IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Write about the following topic: There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

#topic #pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
Concentration on academic
work
 is important to achieve success in practical and academic life in today's world. Some people believe that non-academic
subjects
 should be removed from the school syllabus to put
concentration
Add an article
the concentration
show examples
 of
children
 only on academic
work
. I
am disagree
Change the verb form
disagree
show examples
 with
this
 statement as non-academic
subjects
 are part of
extra-curriculum
Correct your spelling
extra-curricular
show examples
 activities and lead towards the extraction of new dynamic areas of their future
work
. Academic
subjects
 are usually related to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
scientific knowledge that requires
full
Add an article
the full
show examples
 attention of the
children
 to understand the concepts. In order to make them
concentrated
Wrong verb form
concentrate
show examples
, there is a need to provide some extra curriculum activities to boost their energy level as space or diversion of mind is always important to bring some innovative ideas.
For instance
, if
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 was working on the same topic for writing an essay for
sometime
Replace the word
some time
show examples
 without taking any break,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 was stuck on it and could not write something creative or scientific.
Then
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 took some
magazine
Fix the agreement mistake
magazines
show examples
 to read,
Correct word choice
and movie
show examples
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
show examples
 to watch to
fresh
Replace the word
freshen
show examples
 up my mind.
This
 one break converts my all pressure into new energy to continue my
work
. In the same way, non-academic
subjects
also
 enlighten the thoughts of the
children
 and bring career
path
Fix the agreement mistake
paths
show examples
 in front of them.
For example
,
children
 identify their interest in painting and decide to become an architect in future.
Therefore
, it is not necessary to ban non-academic
subjects
 to make success academically as bearing pressure is
also
 a skill that leads towards
successfullness
Correct your spelling
successfulness
success fullness
success-fullness
 in life. I disagreed with the
believe
Replace the word
belief
show examples
 that non-academic
subjects
 should be banned from the school syllabus to put focus on academic
work
 just to succeed academically. Rather, there is a need to allow
children
 to define their career paths by providing non-academic
subjects
 to make themselves successful in academic and practical life.
Submitted by nida.naeem64 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Develop your argument further with more varied and specific examples to strengthen your points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structure and using a wider range of vocabulary to enrich your essay.
Task Achievement
Consider balancing your essay by discussing the opposing viewpoint to provide a more rounded argument.
General
Maintain a formal tone throughout your essay to ensure consistency and appropriateness for an academic task.
Task Achievement
You've clearly presented your viewpoint and provided relevant examples to support your arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
The structure of your essay, including the introduction, body, and conclusion, is logical and easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!