IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What metal and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced?

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Nowadays, a number of doctors and specialists claim that
use
Correct article usage
the use
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 of
computer
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games
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 is on the
raise
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rise
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 in
this
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 era, leading to many mental and physical
problems
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.
this
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 is
noticeable
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a noticeable
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 concern for new generations.
This
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 essay will examine the
problems
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 which may arise using
computer
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games
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 and some possible solutions.
To begin
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 with,
youngster
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youngsters
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 tend to spend too many hours sitting in front of
computers
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computer
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 screens, and
this
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 sedentary
life style
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lifestyle
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result
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results
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 in many worrying health drawbacks in
children
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, with obesity being one of the significant
problems
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 stemming from
this
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 inadequate
life style
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lifestyle
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. Visual impairment is
other
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another
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 problem that arises from playing
computer
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games
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 a lot. These mentioned
problems
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 are just physical drawbacks
due to
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 using digital gaming. There are
also
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 many mental difficulties that arise in
children
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 from the utilization of computers.
for instance
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, loss of social contact,
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and using
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using
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use
show examples
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Change preposition
of computer
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computer
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computers
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 lead to
children
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 becoming isolated and they do not
want
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want to
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 participate in
family
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a family
the family
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gathering
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gatherings
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. One of the effective ways to resolve
this
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 difficulty set up strict regulations for
children
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for
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apply
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regarding
use
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the use
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 of
computer
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games
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. If companies establish time limits for
game
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 usage, the problem could be resolved.
For example
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, if
children
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 exceed a specific time limit set by
company
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the company
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, they cannot continue playing the
game
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. These laws would reduce the time spent playing
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game
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games
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. In conclusion, extensive playing of
computer
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games
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 can cause many physical and mental
problems
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 in
children
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.
However
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,
plying
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playing
show examples
Use synonyms
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 under strict laws determined by gaming companies can prevent many drawbacks.

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Grammar
Ensure to proofread your essay to correct minor spelling and grammatical errors such as 'raise' instead of 'rise' and 'plying' instead of 'playing'.
Vocabulary
Try to diversify your sentence structures and vocabulary to add depth to your essay and make it more engaging.
Content
Incorporate more specific examples to substantiate your arguments. Real-world examples or studies can significantly strengthen your position.
Argument Structure
Remember to discuss both sides of the argument or add a comparative analysis when addressing solutions to offer a more balanced view.
Structure
You've done well in structuring your essay with a clear introduction, development of ideas, and a conclusion.
Task Response
You effectively addressed the task by identifying both problems and solutions related to the excessive use of computer games.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically organized, making it easy for readers to follow your arguments.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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