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Band 3.5

Unemployment remains the biggest challenge to school-leavers* in most countries’ How far do you agree with this assessment? What other challenges face young people today?

#unemployment #challenge #school-leavers* #countries’ #challenges #face #people
The
lack
 of job opportunities is regarded as
the
Correct article usage
a
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 threat to many middle
schools
Change the noun form
school
show examples
 graduates in many
countries
. I completely agree with
this
 statement. Most
school-leavers
Correct your spelling
school leavers
show examples
 become
unemployment
Replace the word
unemployed
show examples
because
Add the preposition
because of
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
lack
 of skills. In many
countries
, most of
students
Add an article
the students
show examples
 in middle school
do
Verb problem
are
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 not equipped with skills related
industries
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to industries
show examples
, but general knowledge
such
 as social sciences, math, religion and ethics.
Although
 there are vocational
schools
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which are more likely to get
job
Add an article
a job
show examples
 after graduation, the number of
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
schools
 is limited. In Indonesia,
for example
,
a
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apply
show examples
research by the Ministry of Education found that 60% of public
schools
 across the country were dominated by specialization subjects of natural science and social science.
This
 percentage indicates that more than 50% of students are
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not prepared for job
labours
Fix the agreement mistake
labour
show examples
.
Therefore
, it is crucial for the government to provide
schools
 which are specialized in preparing students with skills for
Add an article
the labor
show examples
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 market. Another issue that young people face is
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
religious extremism. The
lack
 of parental supervision and spending time on social media are regarded as the main reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
 phenomenon. Some research shows that the increasing number of
violence based
Add a hyphen
violence-based
show examples
religion
Fix the agreement mistake
religions
show examples
 including terrorism
as
Correct your spelling
is
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 the biggest threat for many
countries
, both developing
countries
 and industrial
countries
.
Unfortunetely
Correct your spelling
Unfortunately
, In conclusion,
school-leavers
Correct your spelling
school leavers
show examples
 have to deal with unemployment
due to
 the fact that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
lack
 of
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 needed by industries.
Submitted by salwafahanim on

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Conclusion Development
Try to fully develop your conclusion by providing a summary of your main points and a final opinion, rather than introducing new ideas.
Language Variety
Consider using a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance your expression.
Paragraph Development
Ensure each paragraph addresses a single main idea with sufficient development and specific examples where relevant.
Completeness of Ideas
Be cautious of incomplete sentences or thoughts, as seen with the abrupt ending concerning religious extremism. Aim to complete each point you start.
Clear Opinion
Your essay starts with a clear opinion, which is essential for the task.
Logical Paragraph Structure
You have logically structured paragraphs, starting with a topic sentence followed by supporting details.
Use of Specific Examples
The mention of specific research and figures adds credibility to your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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