IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Unemployment remains the biggest challenge to school-leavers* in most countries’ How far do you agree with this assessment? What other challenges face young people today?

#unemployment #challenge #school-leavers* #countries’ #challenges #face #people
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The
lack
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 of job opportunities is regarded as
the
Correct article usage
a
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 threat to many middle
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schools
Change the noun form
school
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 graduates in many
countries
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. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement. Most
school-leavers
Correct your spelling
school leavers
show examples
 become
unemployment
Replace the word
unemployed
show examples
because
Add the preposition
because of
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
lack
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 of skills. In many
countries
Use synonyms
, most of
students
Add an article
the students
show examples
 in middle school
do
Verb problem
are
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 not equipped with skills related
industries
Change preposition
to industries
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, but general knowledge
such
Linking Words
 as social sciences, math, religion and ethics.
Although
Linking Words
 there are vocational
schools
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in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which are more likely to get
job
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a job
show examples
 after graduation, the number of
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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schools
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 is limited. In Indonesia,
for example
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,
a
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apply
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research by the Ministry of Education found that 60% of public
schools
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 across the country were dominated by specialization subjects of natural science and social science.
This
Linking Words
 percentage indicates that more than 50% of students are
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not prepared for job
labours
Fix the agreement mistake
labour
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is crucial for the government to provide
schools
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 which are specialized in preparing students with skills for
Add an article
the labor
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labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 market. Another issue that young people face is
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
religious extremism. The
lack
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 of parental supervision and spending time on social media are regarded as the main reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon. Some research shows that the increasing number of
violence based
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violence-based
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religion
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religions
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 including terrorism
as
Correct your spelling
is
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 the biggest threat for many
countries
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, both developing
countries
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 and industrial
countries
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.
Unfortunetely
Correct your spelling
Unfortunately
, In conclusion,
school-leavers
Correct your spelling
school leavers
show examples
 have to deal with unemployment
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
lack
Use synonyms
 of
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 needed by industries.
Submitted by salwafahanim on

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Conclusion Development
Try to fully develop your conclusion by providing a summary of your main points and a final opinion, rather than introducing new ideas.
Language Variety
Consider using a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance your expression.
Paragraph Development
Ensure each paragraph addresses a single main idea with sufficient development and specific examples where relevant.
Completeness of Ideas
Be cautious of incomplete sentences or thoughts, as seen with the abrupt ending concerning religious extremism. Aim to complete each point you start.
Clear Opinion
Your essay starts with a clear opinion, which is essential for the task.
Logical Paragraph Structure
You have logically structured paragraphs, starting with a topic sentence followed by supporting details.
Use of Specific Examples
The mention of specific research and figures adds credibility to your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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