IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

A person’s health is their own responsibility rather than the government’s responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#person’s #health #responsibility #government’s
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it is becoming a topic that taking care of your own body is not mandatory for the authorities.
This
Linking Words
 essay strongly
disagree
Correct subject-verb agreement
disagrees
show examples
 with that statement because the government body plays a crucial part in making sure that
people
Use synonyms
 are being
taking
Wrong verb form
taken
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 care of First and foremost, a country at its core must be able to guarantee the healthiness of its citizens. if public
health
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 declines, the country will
also
Linking Words
 feel the loss.
This
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 is because the wheels of the economy will be hampered because many
people
Use synonyms
 cannot work.
For example
Linking Words
, The large number of homeless
people
Use synonyms
 is proof of the government's failure to ensure public
health
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. To prevent that
for
Change preposition
from
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 happening, the
health
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 administration should make a
health
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 insurance program. By doing so, the
people
Use synonyms
 of that nation can get additional money to pay for the funds that must be provided to maintain their
health
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
 to treat their future
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
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. In conclusion, I strongly support the suggestion that the government is responsible for ensuring the
health
Use synonyms
 of its
people
Use synonyms
 because if ignored,
this
Linking Words
 could have bad consequences for the country's economy.
Submitted by Azami on

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Support and Examples
Your essay introduces the topic and your stance clearly, which is great. However, expanding on your points with more detailed examples and evidence would strengthen your argument. Consider incorporating studies, statistics, or more specific scenarios to support your claims.
Linking and Cohesion
While the structure of your essay is clear, creating more sophisticated connections between your ideas could improve its flow. Using a wider range of linking words and phrases beyond the basics ('First and foremost', 'In conclusion') can make your argument more compelling.
Conclusion Enhancement
Your conclusion summarizes your argument effectively. To enhance it further, you could reemphasize the importance of the government's role by briefly mentioning potential positive outcomes of their involvement in public health.
Introduction/Conclusion
Clear introduction and conclusion that outline your stance.
Structure
Good structure and paragraphing make your essay easy to follow.
Task Response
The essay directly addresses the essay task, showing a clear understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • personal accountability
  • health outcomes
  • public health campaigns
  • regulations
  • healthcare services
  • environmental quality
  • socio-economic factors
  • governmental intervention
  • healthy living
  • informed health decisions
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