the top priority of businesses is making money, and they do not need to have social responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Everyone needs
money
to live life and making
money
is not quite easy these days. Some
people
do business only aiming to earn
money
for themselves
while
other
people
think to help
people
through their work. And I think
people
should be responsible for what they are doing because without
customer's
Change noun form
customer
show examples
satisfaction, they won't be able to
expend
Correct your spelling
expand
show examples
their work and
people
will come to them only for one time.
Firstly
, no one would go to the same place to buy things if they
know
Wrong verb form
knew
show examples
that the owner
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
not responsible for what they
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
selling. Not only for shopping,
this
applies to every field. As there is a saying ' customer is always right', everyone is selling something. Some sell goods for household uses,
while
others sell ideas or workloads. If a person or place is not trustworthy, they won't have any regular customers.
For example
, the electronic appliances of Philips have
warranty
Add an article
a warranty
show examples
which means that they will be in charge of it if something happens to the device within the given period.
Moreover
, every business needs to start from zero and slowly day by day, they make it bigger. To do
this
, Customers play a crucial role. Without the consumption of the products by buyers, the owners only get failures. So,
it is clear that
sellers and buyers are depending on each other. And
this
can be only possible with trust. To illustrate
this
,
7 eleven
Correct your spelling
7-Eleven
shops are becoming more popular in Thailand as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
can maintain
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
customer service well. In conclusion, businesses are easy to start up but difficult to maintain
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success and I
am disagree
Change the verb form
disagree
show examples
that social responsibility can be ignored just to earn
money
. Both are relying on one another. So, if they maintain the buyer's satisfaction, they will easily get
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
regular customers for their work.
Submitted by nmpppp4444 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction
Make sure your essay begins with a clear introduction that directly addresses the question. It's good to state your position clearly in the introduction for a stronger impact.
Body Paragraphs
Develop your paragraphs more fully. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea followed by specific examples or explanations. Aim for depth and detail in your supporting points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on linking your ideas more clearly. Transition phrases can help guide the reader through your argument more smoothly, making your essay easier to follow.
Conclusion
In your conclusion, restate your main points and your overall opinion more decisively. This helps reinforce your argument and gives your essay a strong finish.
Language Use
For higher scores, integrate more varied and complex sentence structures. This not only demonstrates a higher level of English proficiency but also makes your writing more interesting.
Examples
Good use of relevant examples to support your points. This strengthens your argument effectively.
Structure
Your essay maintains a logical structure throughout which aids in understanding your stance and arguments.
Thesis
You have a clear thesis statement that guides the direction of your essay, effectively addressing the task prompt.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!