IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones . why is this case / is this positive or negative development

in the contemporary
era
Add a comma
era,
show examples
 the
use
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 of technology is increasing not only
in
Change preposition
among
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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adults but
also
Linking Words
 in
young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation
too
Rephrase
apply
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,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
has so many reasons which
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will discuss in the following paragraphs . I believe that it has a negative
impact
Use synonyms
 on them . There are various causes why the
use
Use synonyms
 of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 is
increased
Wrong verb form
increasing
show examples
 among
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.
First
Add an article
The first
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 and foremost reason is that education . Nowadays schools are teaching their students online
Linking Words
due to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which students have to
use
Use synonyms
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 for doing their homework ,assignments and other
curriculam
Correct your spelling
curriculum
curricular
 activities . I remember when
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 was studying there
were
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was
show examples
 no need
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for
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of
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for
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 any electronic gadgets in my school , which was a really good time
.
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Moreover
moreover
Linking Words
 ,
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apply
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days parents are working so they
dont
Verb problem
do not
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 have enough time to spend with their
children
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 so they give them
phones
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 to keep them busy so they can do their work , which is
also
Linking Words
Add an article
a
show examples
big reason for excessive
use
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 of mobile
phones
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 among peers.
According to
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me
Add a comma
me,
show examples
this
Linking Words
impact
Use synonyms
 has so many downsides
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
children
Use synonyms
 .
Firstly
Linking Words
 , it could
put
Verb problem
have
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bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
impact
Use synonyms
 on their eyes because using a phone screen for
longer
Add an article
a longer
show examples
 time could decrease their eyesight , and could be
reason
Add an article
the reason
a reason
show examples
 for
migarane
Correct your spelling
migraine
which is a serious problem for
children
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 .
For example
Linking Words
 , one of my best
friend '
Change noun form
friend's
show examples
nephew
Fix the agreement mistake
nephews
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 lost her eyesight just because of using
computer
Add an article
a computer
the computer
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 for whole days.
furthernore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, it
put
Verb problem
has
show examples
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
impact
Use synonyms
 on their behaviour , because they
dont
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don't
 like to talk with anyone when they are using their
phones
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 , they get irritated which is not a good
habbit
Correct your spelling
habit
. in
conculsion
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conclusion
, there are
multifariours reasins behid
Correct your spelling
multifarious reasons behind
this
Linking Words
 development but it has many negative impacts on
children
Use synonyms
 .

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structure
Try to structure your essay more clearly by using paragraphs effectively. Each paragraph should have one main idea that is expanded upon.
cohesion
Use a variety of linking words to improve the flow of your essay. Connecting sentences and ideas smoothly will enhance your coherence.
task response
For task response, ensure you're directly addressing all parts of the question. Both the causes and the impacts should be explored thoroughly.
accuracy
Work on spelling and grammatical accuracy. Common mistakes can detract from the overall quality of your writing.
opinion
You clearly state your opinion, which is essential for a strong task response.
examples
You provide relevant examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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