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Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays changes need to be made regarding the school curriculum, in order to prepare children for adult life. Discuss which subjects could be introduced and why and they would be beneficial to young adults. Are there any subjects which you feel are now obsolete and why?

#changes #school #curriculum #children #adult #life #subjects #adults
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Certainly, updating the school curriculum to better prepare children for adult life is a crucial step in ensuring they have the skills and knowledge necessary for success in the modern world. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will highlight some
subjects
 that could be introduced or emphasized in the study plans.
According to
 recent surveys, there is a gap in the educational plans in college.
Subjects
 like financial literacy, emotional intelligence
and
Correct word choice
apply
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problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
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and
Correct word choice
apply
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climate change and renewable energies, should be given more time in the classroom. The new generation
have
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has
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 to understand these concepts, so they are able to make informed decisions when it comes to finances and the environment.
Nevertheless
, there are some obsolete
subjects
. Some of these that might be considered obsolete or in need of reform include old informatic sciences and rote memorisation. Informatics sciences should be focus on more modern concepts
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
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 coding, and memorisation should be avoided, and new learning techniques reinforced. The new analysis of the learning program is essential to
assure
Verb problem
ensure
show examples
 the relevance and effectiveness of current curriculum components. By updating the
subjects
 to be taught, to include relevant and practical themes,
while
 reevaluating the necessity of obsolete ones, education systems can better equip children with the skills and knowledge they need to succeed in adult life.
Submitted by olatzbaroja on

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Task Achievement
Consider elaborating further on specific examples that demonstrate the need for new subjects like financial literacy or emotional intelligence. How exactly would they benefit students in real-life scenarios?
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence, try to build more explicit connections between paragraphs. Using transitional phrases can help guide the reader smoothly from one idea to the next.
Task Achievement
While discussing obsolete subjects, provide a balanced view by suggesting how they could be reformed or integrated into modern education, rather than completely discarded.
Task Achievement
You identified crucial areas for curriculum update, such as financial literacy and emotional intelligence, aligning well with real-world needs.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is structurally sound, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion outlining the topic comprehensively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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