IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that young people should spend their free time with teir families instead of enjoying outside entertainment. However, others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #time #teir #families #entertainment
Young people spend most of their
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
show examples
 in school or studying.
Therefore
, when they have free
time
, they can either do activities with their families or go out
an
Correct your spelling
and
show examples
 enjoy outside
entretainment
Correct your spelling
entertainment
. My personal opinion is that there should be
time
 to enjoy both options. On one hand, there are those adults
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 believe that spending
time
 with their families is the best option. Mainly, their arguments are that the family members are the best role models the teenagers could have and they
they
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
would be able to teach them all the required
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 that will need when they grow up.
On the other hand
, there are those who support the idea which suggests that young kids should enjoy the outside
entretainment
Correct your spelling
entertainment
. These group of people based their opinions on the latest studies, which suggest that outside activities increase specific qualities like
self esteem
Add a hyphen
self-esteem
show examples
 and confidence, which will help in the development of the individuals. In conclusion, when it comes to adolescents and how they should enjoy their free
time
, I think that we should not be
one sided
Add a hyphen
one-sided
show examples
.
Although
 spending
time
 with their families is really beneficial, enjoying
outdoors
Change the word
outdoor
show examples
 activities
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 to develop
social
Correct article usage
the social
show examples
 skills necessary to grow up as a confident adult.
Submitted by olatzbaroja on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Detail & Example Enhancement
Try to provide specific examples or evidence to support each viewpoint thoroughly, enhancing the depth and persuasiveness of your argument.
Sentence Variety
For a higher score, vary your sentence structures more to demonstrate greater linguistic flexibility and complexity.
Spelling & Word Choice
Pay attention to minor errors in spelling and word choice (e.g., 'lifes' should be 'lives', 'entretainment' should be 'entertainment') to polish your writing.
Introduction & Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, clearly presenting your stance and summarizing the discussion points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay maintains good coherence and cohesion, logically organizing the discussion points and effectively using linking words.
Task Response
You successfully covered both views and your opinion, demonstrating a well-rounded understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: