IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experiences. You should write at least 250 words.

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people #experiences
It has been observed that many processed products including both food and drinks
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
increase
Replace the word
increased
show examples
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of
sugar
 which has led to issues with
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 health, in fact leading to death taking
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
such
 as
diabetics
. Both drink and food products containing high
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of
sugar
 should be expensive so that they are out
reach
Change preposition
of reach
show examples
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
people
. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 I agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 it as it will not only reduce the
people
Correct quantifier usage
number of people
show examples
 affected
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
diabetics
Replace the word
diabetes
show examples
 but
also
 it will help
people
 to live
healthier
Add an article
a healthier
show examples
 life.
Firstly
,
Diabetics
Replace the word
Diabetes
show examples
 is
highly
Correct article usage
a highly
show examples
 common disease observed
amoung
Correct your spelling
among
 both young and older
people
due to
 high
sugar
.
For example
, Stockholm University carried out a study where it stated that almost 80% of the
people
 eating pizza
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 coke with it, which is high in
sugar
.
Moreover
,
diabetics
 at a very young age not only
deprieves
Correct your spelling
deprives
body
Correct article usage
the body
show examples
 from
inside
Correct article usage
the inside
show examples
 but
also
 lack the
enegry
Correct your spelling
energy
 to do things in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 longer run.
Furthermore
, the
daily times
Correct your spelling
Daily Times
show examples
 newspaper in India stated that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
50%
population
Change preposition
of population
show examples
 of the India over 40 years of age are been affected by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
diabetics
 and out of that 40% are
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stage 2
diabectis
Correct your spelling
diabetics
diabetes
diabetic
.
Secondly
, making sugary products expensive will affect
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of
people
 as they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
intend to buy
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 less.
This
 will help
people
 to live healthier and
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 rather than dealing with
diabetics
.
For example
, the
cora
Change the capitalization
Cora
show examples
magzine
Correct your spelling
magazine
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
posted the benefits of cutting
sugar
 in
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
 life which
includes
Correct subject-verb agreement
include
show examples
, being less
obesis
Correct your spelling
obese
obesity
, feeling energetic and
increase in
Replace the word
increasing
show examples
 stamina.
Submitted by ankushkhandelwal on

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Structure
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. An explicit conclusion summarizing your opinion and arguments could strengthen your essay.
Accuracy
Avoid spelling and grammatical errors to improve clarity. For example, 'diabetics' (a condition) should be 'diabetes', and 'amoung' should be 'among'.
Content
Providing more specific examples and citing reliable sources could enhance the strength of your arguments.
Grammar
Work on the consistency of verb tenses and subject-verb agreement to enhance the readability of your essay.
Content
You effectively used examples to support your arguments, increasing the persuasiveness of your essay.
Task Response
Your essay addresses the topic directly and presents a clear opinion, which is good for task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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