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Band 5.5

In many countries, the rate of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with this?

#countries #rate #crime
In
modern
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the modern
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 world, one of the serious problems related to my country is the increasing level of
crime
. The key factors of criminal activities and potential solutions to minimize
the
Change the word
their
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 effects
of
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apply
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them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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will be discussed in
this
 essay. There are several causes of
crime
. First of all, it is
a
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an
show examples
 obvious fact that most
of
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apply
show examples
people suffer from poverty
due to
 job
loses
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loss
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,
economical
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economic
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downturn
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downturns
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 and financial
burden
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burdens
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.
As a result
,
this
 needy situation can push people to commit
crime
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crimes
show examples
 in order to pay
bill
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bills
show examples
 and meet family responsibilities in daily
lives
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life
show examples
.
Furthermore
, the
last
 researches show that juvenile
crime
comprise
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comprises
show examples
 the largest proportion of all
offence
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offences
show examples
. To be more
spesific
Correct your spelling
specific
, the stem of
this
 illegal activity can happen
due to
 peer pressure, inadequate education and especially a lack of parental guidance. In terms of solutions, to tackle
this
 issue government should arrange re-education to prevent offence
,
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apply
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 because a lot of people
have
Verb problem
are
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 not
awareness
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aware
show examples
about
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of
show examples
 legal or illegal things and their laws.
Secondly
, not only education
,
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apply
show examples
 but
also
 imposing harsh laws and rules are an effective measure in reducing
crime
 rates, as no one
does not
Verb problem
apply
show examples
face
Correct subject-verb agreement
faces
show examples
 loss of own freedom and
seperation
Correct your spelling
separation
 from
Correct pronoun usage
their surrounding
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surrounding
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surroundings
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.
Consequently
, they think many times before breaking the
laws
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law
show examples
. In conclusion, it is undeniable that thanks
for
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to
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 many reasons like a poor
lifesytle
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
 or a lack of education
lead
Wrong verb form
leading
show examples
 to illegal activities,
however
, I believe that if authority sets strict rules, it will achieve to minimize the rate of
crime
 among the population.
Submitted by quluzadenurlan107 on

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task response
Try to provide specific examples to back up your points. While you've mentioned researches and general causes of crime, including tangible statistics or case studies could enhance the argument's credibility.
coherence cohesion
Pay close attention to grammatical accuracy and lexical resource. There are minor errors in word choice and sentence structure that may slightly hinder clarity. For example, 'job loses' should be 'job losses', 'a obvious fact' should be 'an obvious fact', and 'does not face loss' could be rephrased for clarity.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay structure is well-organized with clear paragraphing, and that your ideas flow logically from one to the next. This was generally well achieved, but reinforcing this with transitional phrases would further improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the essay's content.
task response
You have successfully addressed the main parts of the task, identifying both causes of crime and potential solutions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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