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Writing Samples
Band 6

The pie charts below show the proportions of visits to Ireland last year by age group, and by gender, and type of visit.

The pie charts below show the proportions of visits to Ireland last year by age group, and by gender, and type of visit.
#show #proportions #visits #ireland #year #age #group #gender #type #visit
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Both
pie
Use synonyms
 charts show the proportion of visits to
Ireland
Use synonyms
last
Linking Words
year
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.
However
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 one provides data on the proportion of people of different
age
Use synonyms
groups
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 who visited
Ireland
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 in the past
year
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, the second
pie
Use synonyms
 chart provides data on the gender of
visitors
Use synonyms
 and the reasons for their visit .
It is clear that
Linking Words
 the largest proportion of
visitors
Use synonyms
 were in the 25-34 and 45-54
age
Use synonyms
groups
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, and that the majority of people came to
Ireland
Use synonyms
 for leisure rather than
business
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. The first
pie
Use synonyms
 chart shows that three
age
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groups
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 made up most of
last
Linking Words
year
Use synonyms
's
visitors
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 to
Ireland
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. These were 25 to
34
Add a hyphen
34-year-olds
show examples
year
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-olds (23%), 35 to
44
Add a hyphen
44-year-olds
show examples
year
Use synonyms
-olds (19%), and 45 to
54
Add a hyphen
54-year-olds
show examples
year
Use synonyms
-olds (23%). Four other
age
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groups
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 made up the rest, ranging from 6% to 11% of
visitors
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. The second
pie
Use synonyms
 chart shows that more men than women visited
Ireland
Use synonyms
last
Linking Words
year
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 (56% versus 44%).
Business
Use synonyms
 trips to
Ireland
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 did not make up a very significant share of trips - only 17%;
However
Linking Words
, the number of
business
Use synonyms
 visits by men was much higher - 13% compared to 4% of
business
Use synonyms
 visits by women.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, last".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 67%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words pie, ireland, year, age, groups, visitors, business with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "show" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "provides" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "show" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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