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Writing Samples /
Band 4

The chart below shows the percentage of people born in and outside of Australia living in cities, and towns, and Ural areas in 1950 and 2010. Summurise the information by selecting and reporting the main features of the graph and make comparison where relevant.

The chart below shows the percentage of people born in and outside of Australia living in cities, and towns, and Ural areas in 1950 and 2010. Summurise the information by selecting and reporting the main features of the graph and make comparison where relevant.
#percentage #people #australia #cities #towns #areas #summurise #information #features #comparison
The chart comprises the
people
 born
cities
Change preposition
in cities
show examples
,
towns
 and
ruler
Replace the word
ruling
show examples
area's
Change noun form
areas
show examples
 of
Australia
 and outside of
Australia
 in 1950 and 2010. If we look at the date of 1950, In
Australia
 50% of
people
 were born in
cities
, 30% in urban
areas
 and 20% in
towns
.
Whereas
 in 2010,
people
 born in
cities
Correct article usage
the cities
show examples
 of
Australia
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
slightly increased to 10%,
unfortunately
Add the comma(s)
unfortunately,
show examples
 the
people
Correct quantifier usage
number of people
show examples
 born in
towns
 & rural
areas
were
Verb problem
apply
show examples
drastically
fall
Wrong verb form
fell
show examples
down
Change preposition
by
show examples
 half. The
people
Correct quantifier usage
number of people
show examples
 born outside of
Australia
 in
cities
 was 60% in 1950 and raised to 80% by 2010.
Further
, the
people
Correct quantifier usage
number of people
show examples
 born in
towns
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not make
huge
Add an article
a huge
show examples
 difference
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
between 1950 and 2010.
However
, there is a huge 35 %
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
decrease
people
Change preposition
in people
show examples
 born in rural
areas
 between
years
Correct article usage
the years
show examples
 1950 and 2010.
In
Change preposition
Overall
show examples
overall
, the percentage of
people
 born outside of
Australia
particularly
Add the comma(s)
, particularly
show examples
 in rural
areas
 seems moved to
cities
 in the gap of 60 years,
whereas
 inside
Australia
 does not have
large
Add an article
a large
show examples
 variance.
Submitted by sivareddymarella6 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
▼
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, cities, towns, australia, areas with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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