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Writing Samples
Band 4

The chart below shows the percentage of people born in and outside of Australia living in cities, and towns, and Ural areas in 1950 and 2010. Summurise the information by selecting and reporting the main features of the graph and make comparison where relevant.

The chart below shows the percentage of people born in and outside of Australia living in cities, and towns, and Ural areas in 1950 and 2010. Summurise the information by selecting and reporting the main features of the graph and make comparison where relevant.
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The chart comprises the
people
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 born
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cities
Change preposition
in cities
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,
towns
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 and
ruler
Replace the word
ruling
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area's
Change noun form
areas
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 of
Australia
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 and outside of
Australia
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 in 1950 and 2010. If we look at the date of 1950, In
Australia
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 50% of
people
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 were born in
cities
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, 30% in urban
areas
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 and 20% in
towns
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.
Whereas
Linking Words
 in 2010,
people
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 born in
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cities
Correct article usage
the cities
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 of
Australia
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was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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slightly increased to 10%,
unfortunately
Add the comma(s)
unfortunately,
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 the
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people
Correct quantifier usage
number of people
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 born in
towns
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 & rural
areas
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were
Verb problem
apply
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drastically
fall
Wrong verb form
fell
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down
Change preposition
by
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 half. The
Use synonyms
people
Correct quantifier usage
number of people
show examples
 born outside of
Australia
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 in
cities
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 was 60% in 1950 and raised to 80% by 2010.
Further
Linking Words
, the
Use synonyms
people
Correct quantifier usage
number of people
show examples
 born in
towns
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does
Change the verb form
do
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 not make
huge
Add an article
a huge
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 difference
in
Change preposition
apply
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between 1950 and 2010.
However
Linking Words
, there is a huge 35 %
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
decrease
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
in people
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 born in rural
areas
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 between
years
Correct article usage
the years
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 1950 and 2010.
In
Change preposition
Overall
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overall
Linking Words
, the percentage of
people
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 born outside of
Australia
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particularly
Add the comma(s)
, particularly
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 in rural
areas
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 seems moved to
cities
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 in the gap of 60 years,
whereas
Linking Words
 inside
Australia
Use synonyms
 does not have
large
Add an article
a large
show examples
 variance.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, cities, towns, australia, areas with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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