IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The money spent by governments on space programmers would be better spent on vital public services such as schools and hospitals.

#money #governments #space #programmers #services #schools #hospitals
There is a side argument that governments all over the world are allocating huge budgets for the
development
 of
space
technology
.
However
, on the other side people suggest that it would be a great help if the same funds were used for the upgrade of the
education
 and
health
 sectors. I agree that the
development
 of people's major needs is important.
However
, up to some extent
space
technology
 is
also
 required. I will provide my view in the following paragraphs. I witnessed that there has been excellent
development
 in
space
 design and
technology
 over the past 15 years in my
country
. The major factor in investing a huge amount in
this
 is for the safety and projection of the
country
.
for instance
, some satellites we use to identify critical climate changes,
thus
, we can identify the future impacts immediately
further
 will take the necessary precautions to avoid major damage to the
country
.
In addition
, to monitor land, sea and sky border safety and security we require specialised spacecraft technologies to save our
country
 from enemies.
Therefore
, the
development
 of
space
technology
 is essential for the safeguarding of the
country
. I identified public schools and
hospitals
Change the noun form
hospital
show examples
 services are not developed these days,
due to
 which below the poverty line and middle-class people
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 unable to get the proper
education
 and
health
. Governments should allocate more budget to provide quality
health
 and world-class recognised
education
instead
 of spending huge
budget
Fix the agreement mistake
budgets
show examples
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
space
development
.
Thus
, everyone can obtain quality
education
 and life.
To conclude
, the governments should
also
 spend taxpayers amount on the
development
 of schools and
health
 sectors not only for the
space
 programs.
Submitted by sivareddymarella6 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve your essay's clarity and coherence, consider organizing your ideas more effectively by clearly separating your paragraphs and ensuring there's a logical flow from the introduction to the conclusion. This can be achieved by using a variety of linking words and clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph.
task achievement
In terms of task response, try to delve deeper into the topic by exploring the implications of your arguments in a more detailed manner. Including more specific examples and elaborating on them can significantly enhance the persuasiveness and completeness of your essay.
task achievement
While you've made a good effort to cover the topic, further expansion on the importance of balancing spending on space programs with investing in public services could strengthen your argument. Exploring the potential benefits of space exploration for society as a whole, such as technological advancements that could improve everyday life, might offer a more balanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
You have utilized a clear structure that includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids in the overall coherence and cohesion of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced view by acknowledging the importance of both space programs and essential public services, illustrating an ability to engage with the essay question critically.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: