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Band 5

In many countries, traditional foods are being replaced by international fast foods, this is having a negative effect on both families and societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #foods #effect #families #societies
In recent times, there
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 a replacement of international fast foods with traditional foods.
This
 trend has directly impacted society and families. On one hand, fast
food
 has caused some negative effects on the traditional meals of many families. In the past, family members often spent time preparing meals together. They gather around the dinner table every day and share everything that happens in their entire day.
In addition
, children can receive plenty of advice from their parents during conversations.
Therefore
, the feelings between members are bonded.
However
, on busy days, almost all adults focus on earning money as much as possible, so they no longer spend much time on native foods,
so
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 family relationships are weakened.
On the other hand
, fast
food
also
 has many negative impacts on society in general. As traditional dishes are gradually replaced by fast
food
, part of the local culture has
also
 been lost.
Furthermore
, consuming too much fast
food
such
 as pizzas,
burgers
Correct word choice
and burgers
show examples
 which have a lot of fat and numerous calories leads to obesity and many diseases.
Thus
, the government has to increase the amount of money on the national medical system, giving rise to a budget cut on other aspects
such
 as education and technology. In conclusion,
although
 international fast
food
 is widely popular and gradually replacing traditional
food
, it causes adverse effects on societies and families.
Therefore
, the government should have effective solutions to revert the
trends
Fix the agreement mistake
trend
show examples
 of consuming too much fast
food
.
Submitted by luutrongto on

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depth
Clarify and develop your main points further to enhance the depth of your argument.
linguistic range
Include a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate linguistic range and accuracy.
paragraph focus
Ensure each paragraph clearly focuses on a single main idea, supported by specific examples or further explanation.
structure
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
examples
You have provided relevant examples to support your arguments.
clarity & consistency
Your position on the issue is clear and remains consistent throughout the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural identity
  • heritage
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • globalization
  • nutrient-rich
  • bonding
  • local cuisine
  • fast food chains
  • convenience
  • processed ingredients
  • sustainability
  • culinary traditions
  • mass-produced
  • environmental degradation
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