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Writing Samples
Band 6

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000 Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000 Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.
#show #percentages #men #women #employment #four #countries #summaries #information #features #comparison
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The bar charts illustrate the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
employment
Use synonyms
 who aged 60 to 64 in 1970 and 2000. They represented four categories of
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
: Australia, Japan, the United States and
Beigium
Correct your spelling
Belgium
.
Also
Linking Words
, the charts
shows
Change the verb form
show
show examples
Correct article usage
the pecentage
show examples
pecentage
Correct your spelling
percentage
 of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 relatively. For
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
employment
Use synonyms
 in 2000 was low in general compared to the number
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the year
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
1970. In 1970, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
employment
Use synonyms
 was higher than 70% in every
countries
Change to a singular noun
country
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, it shows
difference
Add an article
the difference
a difference
show examples
 in 2000. The highest
percentage
Use synonyms
 was at 76% in Japan, followed by 55% in USA. The lowest
percentage
Use synonyms
 was at 19% in
Begium
Correct your spelling
Belgium
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, for
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
employement
Correct your spelling
employment
unemployment
 was low compared to
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
,
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 countries
shows
Change the verb form
show
show examples
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
 in 2000 compared to 1970. Australia's
percentage
Use synonyms
 reached
each
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
19%,
18
Correct word choice
and 18
show examples
%, In 2000 and 1970.
Besides
Linking Words
, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 recorded at
each
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
38% and 36% in 2000 and 1970.
Overall
Linking Words
, the bar charts suggest there were more
challenging
Replace the word
challenges
show examples
 to find jobs in 2000 than in 1970. With the advancement of new technologies,
Correct article usage
the silver
show examples
silver
Correct article usage
the silver
show examples
 generation
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 likely to
unfamiliar
Add a missing verb
be unfamiliar
show examples
 with technological workloads,
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
employment
Use synonyms
 was lower in 2000.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, with
increase
Add an article
an increase
the increase
show examples
 in
importance
Add an article
the importance
show examples
 of women's
employment
Use synonyms
 in
global
Add an article
the global
a global
show examples
 era, in some countries,
Correct article usage
the female's
show examples
female's
Change noun form
female
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
 in 2000
recorded
Add a missing verb
was recorded
show examples
higher
Change preposition
as higher
show examples
 than
1970
Change preposition
in 1970
show examples
.
Submitted by imagelim329 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, on the other hand".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, employment with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 11 times.
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