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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contains high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. What do you think about it? describe your opinion

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health
Most of the fabricated snacks
holds
Change the verb form
hold
show examples
 increased levels of sugar, which can cause
health
 issues,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 we can find snacks which have low
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 and high
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of glucose in them. In my point of view,
everyone
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to care about
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
health
 because these
fabrics
 which produce
prodcuts
Correct your spelling
products
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 low quality and low price, know that it is easy for
everyone
 to buy these products.
Therefor
Correct your spelling
Therefore
show examples
, they will continue to
manufacturing
Change the form of the verb
manufacture
show examples
them.
Firstly
, for
everyone
, eating something delicious is enjoyable but we
also
 have to look after of
health
.
Fabrics
 always add
flavoring
Change the spelling
flavouring
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their food so,
everyone
 can like the taste of it. And for these
tastes
Add a comma
tastes,
show examples
 we all buy some fabricated food. But it can damage our
health
 and can cause
to
Replace the word
too
show examples
 many
health
 problems.
Secondly
, there are just a few
fabrics
 that make products with healthier ingredients. Because people don't buy ones which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 cheap in
flavor
Change the spelling
flavour
show examples
.
Inspite
Correct your spelling
In spite
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 healthier ingredients, they prefer rich
flavorfull
Correct your spelling
flavorful
 snacks. And some of them think that just
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one
packed
Replace the word
pack
show examples
would't
Correct your spelling
wouldn't
 do
anything
Correct pronoun usage
nothing
show examples
 but it causes a lot.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people who are
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
diet
Correct article usage
a diet
show examples
 have really little amounts of alternatives to buy from markets. They usually
trys
Correct your spelling
try
 to make some healthier recipes at home
nevertheless
, they experience lots of problems when they are
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 work or
some
Change preposition
in some
show examples
 kind of
situations
Fix the agreement mistake
situation
show examples
that
Correct word choice
where
show examples
 they
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 cook or bake anything. There are many people out there who already have
health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 and
not
Add a missing verb
are not
show examples
 able to buy anything from
market places
Correct your spelling
marketplaces
show examples
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 example, insulin resistance. There are just a few
fabrics
 which
produces
Change the verb form
produce
show examples
 products with zero glucose in
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. Ultimately examples and arguments
given
Add the auxiliary verb
are given
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
I
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
show that
fabrics
 do not care about anyone but just themselves,
consequently
everyone
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 to take care of their physical condition.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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task achievement
Try to clarify your introduction better by directly addressing the question posed. It would help the reader to understand your stance on the issue more clearly from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
Increase the variety of your linking words to improve the flow of your essay. This will make your argumentation more sophisticated and easier to follow.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. This will strengthen your essay by illustrating your points more clearly.
general
Be attentive to grammatical accuracy and vocabulary choice to make your points more precisely and avoid misunderstandings.
task achievement
You've demonstrated a personal viewpoint on the issue, which is good for engaging with the topic.
coherence cohesion
You made an effort to introduce the topic and provide a conclusion, which helps structure your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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