IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

some people regard video games as useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

#people #video #games #tool #videos #effect
In
this
 technological era, myriad
people
 deem that if
video
games
 are played by the
people
then
 it
succour
Correct subject-verb agreement
succours
show examples
 them education knowledge
while
 others believe that it hurts the
people
. I believe playing
video
games
 in tremendous amounts has more pros. I will elaborate on my notion in forthcoming paragraphs. By installing distinct
game
 applications humans get positive outcomes.
Firstly
, if the
video
game
 is related to mathematical numbers,
then
 it enhances the calculation power of the student and
people
such
 as
games
 like puzzles and sudoku.
Secondly
,
game
 trains
people
 to think logically as well about the plan of their life.
On the other hand
, it has more drawbacks by spending too much time on the computer screen. It not only changes the posture of the person but
also
 causes a detrimental effect on personal health by sitting in one position for a prolonged period.
As a result
, players might have less physical fitness if children avoid playing outdoor activities. An outstanding example is that most
people
 suffer from obesity and other diseases like diabetes, heart problems and stress.
Moreover
, it declines their social interaction skill which may cause disadvantages in future, if they want to start a business.
In addition
,
student
Add an article
a student
the student
show examples
 might get distracted from their primary goal if they are attracted by the
video
game
.
For instance
, educator play
games
instead
 of doing their homework which turns out an unsatisfactory result
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their academic year. In recapitulation, In my opinion, it causes
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 perilous problem because it might put their future and their health in the problem by playing a
video
game
 constantly.
Submitted by milonishekhaliya on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction Clarity
Introduce your main ideas more clearly in the introduction to guide the reader through your argument.
Linking Words
Use more varied linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay.
Specific Examples
Try to avoid generalizations and provide more specific examples to support your points.
Conciseness
Be cautious with the overuse of filler phrases that don't add value to your argument.
Task Relevance
Keep your focus on directly answering the question. Ensure each paragraph serves to support your overall stance on the issue.
Thesis Statement
You have a clear thesis statement that sets the direction for your essay.
Paragraph Organization
Your paragraphs are well-organized, each focusing on a single main idea.
Argument Development
You attempt to cover both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of the complexity of the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: