In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
It is undeniable that civil developments mostly occur in big
cities
worldwide. Job markets are expanding according to
the economic upturn. As a result
, people who live in rural areas tend to relocate to the cities
since they are seeking for
more job opportunities. Change preposition
apply
Consequently
, the population in the countryside
decreases significantly. This
essay will elaborate on the reasons why I think that this
is a negative development.
To begin
with, the limitation of residences in the cities
causes higher home prices. There are many workers who receive minimum wages and work in the metropolitan area. If they cannot afford the living costs in the cities
, they have to lower their life quality which comes with the risks of unhealthy lifestyles. For example
, some people choose to live in small-shared rooms to save their money. As a result
, they don’t have their private spaces which can reflect in the
mental health.
Change the word
their
In addition
, local businesses in the countryside
will not be able to operate if there are no demands from customers. Moreover
, the countryside
will be quieter than what
it was. It will be harder for entrepreneurs to initiate something attractive and interesting as well. Correct pronoun usage
apply
For instance
, if you want to open a cosmetics shop for teenagers, it will be difficult to find them.
To sum up
, the moving of people from rural areas to the cities
has many issues. It can affect the
people’s health either physically or mentally. Correct article usage
apply
Furthermore
, the situation in the countryside
will get worse due to
the lack of purchase demands. As such
, I considered
that Wrong verb form
consider
this
is a negative development due to
the two reasons above.Submitted by Punpun on
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task achievement
Your introduction is clear and sets up the essay well. However, the introduction could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that more explicitly states your position.
coherence cohesion
Try to ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that sentences within paragraphs flow logically from one to the next.
task achievement
Provide more specific and varied examples to support your points. This will strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from better linking words and phrases to improve the flow and connection between ideas.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay and reiterates your stance on the issue.
task achievement
You have addressed the prompt well by examining both the economic and social impacts of rural depopulation.