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Band 5

Today more and more people want things instantly ( goods, service, news ). Why is this? Is it a positive or negative development?

#people #goods #service #news #development
It is true that the demand
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
mostly
Rephrase
almost
show examples
 everything to be
instant
 is increasing.
While
this
 might be the result of technological advancements,
this
 writer contends that the circumstance itself is beneficial,
due to
 its benefit of
time
-efficient. The probable explanation for the ever-increasing desire
for instance
 services and commodities could be the continuous development of
technology
. In
this
 modernized era, the number of
technology
 users who
wanted
Wrong verb form
want
show examples
 superior devices that can help them
completing
Wrong verb form
complete
show examples
 every daily
tasks
Change to a singular noun
task
show examples
 conveniently
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 rising.
Due to
this
 desire, manufacturers must develop their products restlessly in order to attract more customers to make more profit. Simultaneously,
this
also
 leads to more technological breakthroughs.
For example
, laptops are continuously innovated to serve office
works
Replace the word
workers
show examples
 better.
Thus
, it is
this
 property that makes
instant
technology
 more inseparable
to
Change preposition
from
show examples
 everyone’s life. The writer believes that
this
 phenomenon brings us benefits, specifically
time saving
Add a hyphen
time-saving
show examples
. It is
due to
 the fact that, as
technology
 keeps on thriving, smart devices in our daily lives are getting more advanced in speed to provide
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 users with the best experience in an
instant
. Taking online messaging as an instance,
while
 the former versions of messaging apps took seconds to send a text, its latter counterparts only require an even smaller amount of
time
performing
Change the verb form
to perform
show examples
 the same action. For that reason, increasing the demand is to create more devices that can help people to save
time
. In conclusion,
whereas
 technological development is the primary reason for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people’s increasing desire for
instant
technology
, it
also
 aids us in saving
time
.

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Task Achievement
Your essay effectively introduces and concludes the topic, showing a clear position throughout. To further improve, consider adding more diverse examples and evidence to support your points for a stronger argument.
Task Achievement
Work on developing your main points with more specific examples and details. This will enhance the relevance and depth of your essay, making your argument more persuasive.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've done well in structuring your essay and maintaining coherence throughout. For an even stronger structure, try to vary your sentence structure more and use transitional phrases to link ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
Logical Structure
You have a clear and logical essay structure, with well-defined paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion.
Introduction & Conclusion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively summarize your main ideas.
Logical Structure
Your essay demonstrates good coherence with a clear flow of ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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