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Band 5.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically.As a reasult, some people believe that non-academic subjects such as physical education and cookery should be removed from the school sylabbus so that children can concentrate on academic work

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These days, everyone has their own opinion about the academic success of
children
Use synonyms
.
According to
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this
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 result, a handful of
people
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 argue that
subjects
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 that require physical energy should be eliminated from the school curriculum since
children
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 may focus on academic fields. I assume that there are several reasons; all of these may cause me to completely disagree. On the one hand, a lot of
people
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 believe that if the young generation has experience in some spheres,
such
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 as cooking, physical education, and others,
children
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 may not suffer from the activities that require physical
aptitudes
Fix the agreement mistake
aptitude
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.
Furthermore
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,
although
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children
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 are in academic
subjects
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, every single workplace has its own requirements
to hire
Change preposition
for hiring
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 employees since these
people
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 should have handwork and non-academic subject experiences.
For example
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,
these
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 have a  chance to take a break for about 5 minutes, which is given to reduce laziness and boredom. and to pique their curiosity about non-academic
subjects
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.
On the other hand
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, parents ponder that if extracurricular abilities are held by their
children
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, they will benefit from them to make a living in the long term since
people
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 have opportunities to open new places
such
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 as cookery and bakery services, all of which are launched by humans who are familiarity with them.
For example
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,
according to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 survey in the US, 70
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of
people
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 disagreed with removing these informal
subjects
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,
while
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 others had the opposite convictions. In conclusion, there are all the reasons why
people
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 may completely disagree with
this
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 trend. When it comes to me,
children
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 will lose their temper and desire to learn
as well as
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 suffer from unknown physical activities in the future if these nonformal
subjects
Use synonyms
 are eliminated from the syllabus.

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task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea that is fully developed. For example, the second paragraph could be more specific about how non-academic subjects benefit children’s development and future career opportunities.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to strongly support your points. For instance, you mentioned a survey in the US, but providing more details and context could help to substantiate your argument.
coherence cohesion
Transition words and phrases could be used more effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This will help improve the flow of the essay and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, the conclusion could be more directly tied to the points raised in the essay. Summarize the main arguments briefly and restate your position in a compelling way.
task achievement
The introduction clearly presents the topic and states your position, which provides a good starting point for your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear and consistent argument. Your disagreement with the removal of non-academic subjects is well-explained.
task achievement
The use of examples, such as the mention of a US survey, is a good strategy to support your points, even though these examples could be further detailed.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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