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Band 4.5

Directors of large organizations earn much higher salaries than ordinary employees do. Some people think it is necessary, but others are of the opinion that it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#directors #organizations #salaries #employees #people
Directors
 have high status in the company. Bosses of big organizations get high salaries for their employees. The majority of people believe it is necessary, but other people think
that is
 unfair. I believe that
directors
 receive a well-deserved income.
To begin
 with, the low workers' salaries can lead to large problems
such
 as employee dissatisfaction. The employees start doing their
work
 unwillingly. The employees will form negative opinions about their
work
.
This
 can cause mental problems, which can lead to serious problems
such
 as depression and apathy. And
this
 problem can increase the rate of unemployment.
On the other hand
, the bosses make a greater contribution to the development of their company.
Moreover
, the
directors
 have a lot of responsibility and duties for the organization. They play the main role in their business.
Also
, the bosses have a lot of experience in the
work
 sphere.
And the
Correct word choice
The
show examples
 wardens conduct meetings by signing important contracts with other influential companies, which proves the high income of the chiefs. In conclusion, I think that the supervisor
recieve
Correct your spelling
receives
 well-deserved wages because the
directors
 have more duties and a large amount of responsibility for their
work
 business.
Submitted by Hilola Sotimkulova  on

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General
Ensure your introduction and conclusion are concise and clearly outline your opinion. Avoid redundancy.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use more linking phrases and transitional words to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points and make your arguments more compelling.
Language Accuracy
Check for minor grammatical errors and improve sentence structure for greater clarity.
Task Achievement
The essay effectively presents both views and provides a valid opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, with clear paragraphs for each point.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a suitable balance between discussing both sides of the argument and giving a personal opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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