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Band 4.5

An increasing number of people change their careers and places of residence several times in their lives. Is it a positive or negative development?

#people #change #careers #places #residence #times #lives #development
It is true that more and more
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 constantly
change
 living
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
 and careers in the rapidly evolving world. I consider
this
development
 a positive trend not only for individuals but
also
 for
whole
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the whole
show examples
 society. From
individual
Correct article usage
an individual
show examples
 level, the reason for those youngsters regularly changing places could be the pursuit of
career
 success.
For example
, the movement from rural
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 to urban
city
Fix the agreement mistake
cities
show examples
enable
Change the verb form
enables
show examples
 youngsters to possess more opportunities and choices for their
career
 exploration. The more exposure to
career
 opportunities, the more potential that they will find the true
career
 passion to excel fully
potential
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
and achieve personal success. From another aspect,
rapidly
Change the word
rapid
show examples
 movement could
also
 mean the increasing number of
people
 have equipped enough wealth to make the
change
 catering
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
 lifestyle preferences.
People
 might suffer from
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
financial loss by moving from a
familar
Correct your spelling
familiar
 place to a strange place by potentially selling their residential houses at lower
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 or living
several
Change preposition
for several
show examples
 months without income.
Therefore
,
this
 trend might mean
people
 have become more capable
to make
Change preposition
of making
show examples
 financially risky
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
. From
Correct article usage
the society
show examples
society
Replace the word
societal
show examples
 level, rapid immigration means the reallocation of
Add an article
the labor
show examples
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 force. Rural
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
 move to urban
city
Fix the agreement mistake
cities
show examples
 to pursue
career
development
 and will move back when they grow older for retirement life. The constant structural population
change
 of
labor
Correct article usage
the labor
show examples
 force could optimize
utilization
Correct article usage
the utilization
show examples
 of production capacity and accelerate city
development
.
Moreover
,
people
 who move abroad might
also
 bring international trade
oppotunities
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 to boost
domestic
Add an article
the domestic
show examples
 economy. In conclusion,
frequently
Change the word
frequent
show examples
 movement
change
 means more potential to achieve
career
 success, more personal wealth to make a life
change
, and a positive
development
 to social economy
development
.
Submitted by erminelyu on

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task achievement
Try to expand on your supporting points with more detailed examples or evidence. This will strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be done through the use of linking words and phrases which can guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammar and punctuation to enhance the clarity of your ideas. Small grammatical errors can sometimes obscure your intended meaning.
task achievement
You have addressed the topic well and provided a clear standpoint, which meets the task requirements effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-structured, setting a clear context and summarizing your arguments succinctly.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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