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Band 5

‘For all children, the ability to play a musical instrument is just as important as the ability to read and write.’ How far do you agree with this suggestion? How important is it for a child to learn to play a musical instrument, in your view?

#‘for #children #ability #instrument #suggestion #child
Music
 is a blessing that can align perfectly with
children
's reading and writing
skills
. I strongly agree with
this
 because learning a musical instrument can be a full
brain
 exercise and it is highly important for the cognitive development and self-confidence among them.
This
 essay will delve deeper into my agreed state and the importance of
such
approach
Correct article usage
an approach
show examples
 in the impending paragraphs. Musical proficiency has myriad reasons why it should be taught to
children
along with
 educational
skills
. I have a strong opinion that as
music
 education has a huge impact on the working of
children
’s
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
, it is a welcoming approach.
For example
,
World
Correct article usage
the World
show examples
 Health Organisation, a
UK based
Add a hyphen
UK-based
show examples
 Health Department, published in its annual report in March 2015 that 65% of
children
’s
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
 in the UK had been working highly fast since their parents allowed them to take part in
music
.
Because it
Correct word choice
It
show examples
 is scientifically proven that during
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
musical activity, all parts of
brain
Add an article
the brain
show examples
 start to respond and a multifold increase in their activities can easily be seen.
Therefore
,
this
 process of
music
 with
studies
 can be very beneficial for
children
. Having said that,
music
studies
 can have
equal
Add an article
an equal
the equal
show examples
 impact
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 other
studies
 since
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can assist
children
to develop
Change preposition
in developing
show examples
 cognitive
skills
.
For example
, a painstaking survey conducted by The Guardian Newspaper in May 2016 stated that no sooner did
children
 start to have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
knowledge of musical instruments than their grades in other subjects rose quickly and it was because they had to perform calculative steps to generate a good
music
. Though
music
 learning seems different from
studies
, it still requires a high state of mental ability to make a productive outcome.
In addition
, after performing in front of many people,
children
 can highly likely gain self-confidence
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. Where performing over a musical instrument ahead of
audience
Correct article usage
the audience
show examples
 is not an easy task,
children
 can over any kind of hesitation in
such
event
Correct article usage
an event
show examples
.
Hence
, it can
give
Verb problem
pave
show examples
 the pavement for their sustainable development in the future as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stable citizens.
To conclude
, it is
unequivocal
Change the adjective
unequivocally
show examples
 clear that the education of musical instruments
is has
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 identical importance. Not only does it gear up the
brain
 processes, but it can
also
helpful
Add a missing verb
be helpful
show examples
 in the development of cognitive
skills
 and self-assurance.
Submitted by Mrjit147 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses all parts of the task and provides a complete response. To strengthen your argument, ensure that your main points are expanded in more detail and with a variety of perspectives.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear, but some sentences could be further refined for clarity. Consider breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones to avoid ambiguity.
task achievement
To enhance clarity, use complex structures without sacrificing the readability of your essay. This balance will improve the overall understanding of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To further improve, ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next to keep a logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported by examples and explained well, but adding more varied examples and perspectives could give your essay more depth.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized and follows a logical structure, making it easy to follow your argument.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your main points, which helps to illustrate your argument effectively.
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