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Writing Samples
Band 5

‘For all children, the ability to play a musical instrument is just as important as the ability to read and write.’ How far do you agree with this suggestion? How important is it for a child to learn to play a musical instrument, in your view?

#‘for #children #ability #instrument #suggestion #child
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Music
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 is a blessing that can align perfectly with
children
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's reading and writing
skills
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. I strongly agree with
this
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 because learning a musical instrument can be a full
brain
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 exercise and it is highly important for the cognitive development and self-confidence among them.
This
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 essay will delve deeper into my agreed state and the importance of
such
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approach
Correct article usage
an approach
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 in the impending paragraphs. Musical proficiency has myriad reasons why it should be taught to
children
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along with
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 educational
skills
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. I have a strong opinion that as
music
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 education has a huge impact on the working of
children
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’s
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brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
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, it is a welcoming approach.
For example
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,
World
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the World
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 Health Organisation, a
UK based
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UK-based
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 Health Department, published in its annual report in March 2015 that 65% of
children
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’s
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brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
 in the UK had been working highly fast since their parents allowed them to take part in
music
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.
Because it
Correct word choice
It
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 is scientifically proven that during
the
Correct article usage
apply
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musical activity, all parts of
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brain
Add an article
the brain
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 start to respond and a multifold increase in their activities can easily be seen.
Therefore
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,
this
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 process of
music
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 with
studies
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 can be very beneficial for
children
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. Having said that,
music
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studies
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 can have
equal
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an equal
the equal
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 impact
like
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as
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 other
studies
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 since
it
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they
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 can assist
children
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to develop
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in developing
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 cognitive
skills
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.
For example
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, a painstaking survey conducted by The Guardian Newspaper in May 2016 stated that no sooner did
children
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 start to have
the
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apply
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knowledge of musical instruments than their grades in other subjects rose quickly and it was because they had to perform calculative steps to generate a good
music
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. Though
music
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 learning seems different from
studies
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, it still requires a high state of mental ability to make a productive outcome.
In addition
Linking Words
, after performing in front of many people,
children
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 can highly likely gain self-confidence
in
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apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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. Where performing over a musical instrument ahead of
audience
Correct article usage
the audience
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 is not an easy task,
children
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 can over any kind of hesitation in
such
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event
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an event
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.
Hence
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, it can
give
Verb problem
pave
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 the pavement for their sustainable development in the future as
the
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apply
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stable citizens.
To conclude
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, it is
unequivocal
Change the adjective
unequivocally
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 clear that the education of musical instruments
is has
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has
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 identical importance. Not only does it gear up the
brain
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 processes, but it can
also
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helpful
Add a missing verb
be helpful
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 in the development of cognitive
skills
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 and self-assurance.
Submitted by Mrjit147 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses all parts of the task and provides a complete response. To strengthen your argument, ensure that your main points are expanded in more detail and with a variety of perspectives.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear, but some sentences could be further refined for clarity. Consider breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones to avoid ambiguity.
task achievement
To enhance clarity, use complex structures without sacrificing the readability of your essay. This balance will improve the overall understanding of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To further improve, ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next to keep a logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported by examples and explained well, but adding more varied examples and perspectives could give your essay more depth.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized and follows a logical structure, making it easy to follow your argument.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your main points, which helps to illustrate your argument effectively.
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