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Band 1.5

Some people consider that school education should be concentrated on academic subjects, which would be helpful for their future careers, and subjects like music and sport are not useful. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #school #education #subjects #future #careers #music #sport
In our
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Our
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 days, individuals hold the idea
of
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apply
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that,
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
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 tuition system should be focused on
subjects
, which can help
for
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apply
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the
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apply
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students in the future,
in
addition
Add the comma(s)
addition,
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subjects
such
 as music and sport are not useful.
This
 essay completely
disagree
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disagrees
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 with
this
 statement. In my point of view holistic education, which includes music and sports, is crucial for
all-round
Correct article usage
the all-round
show examples
 development of students, and music and sports can help in developing various soft skills
such
 as teamwork, discipline, time management, and leadership, which are valuable in any career.
Firstly
,
all-round
Correct article usage
the all-round
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 development of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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 is essential as
the
Correct article usage
apply
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academic
subjects
, and by removing
such
subjects
,
Submitted by nurasylreimbay on

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task achievement
Your introduction sets the stage fairly well for your argument. However, it contains some grammatical errors and could be clearer. For instance, 'In our days, individuals hold the idea of that, modern tuition system...' can be improved to 'Nowadays, some people believe that the modern education system should focus on subjects that are perceived to help students in their future careers, while subjects like music and sports are deemed non-essential.'
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure. After the introduction, you should have clearly outlined your main arguments in separate paragraphs. For instance, one paragraph could discuss the benefits of a holistic education, and another could focus on the skills that music and sports help develop.
task achievement
You should include more specific examples to support your points. For instance, you could mention studies showing the benefits of music education on cognitive abilities or examples of famous leaders who improved their teamwork skills through sports.
coherence cohesion
Conclude your essay with a clear summary of your main points, reinforcing your stance. This will give your essay a strong ending and help in achieving a higher score.
task achievement
You have demonstrated an understanding of the topic and taken a clear stance, which is essential for task achievement.
task achievement
Your essay touches on multiple valid points, like holistic education and the development of soft skills, which can effectively support your argument.
coherence cohesion
You have used some good vocabulary such as 'holistic education,' 'soft skills,' and 'all-round development,' which enhances your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic education
  • soft skills
  • teamwork
  • discipline
  • time management
  • leadership
  • mental well-being
  • physical health
  • academic performance
  • creativity
  • innovative thinking
  • STEM fields
  • career opportunities
  • entertainment industry
  • sports industry
  • life balance
  • academic stress
  • burnout
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