Topic: Some people believe that it is good for a country to host a major sports competition. Others think it causes many problems for the country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

The indisputable meaning of athletics in general has long been believed related to
human’s
Change noun form
human
show examples
bonding and connectedness.
However
, a recent backlash about the polarization of whether the establishment of major
sports
competitions could provide any advantages, or
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
impact detrimentally to their
host
countries. In
this
essay, I will discuss both perspectives and emphasize
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
my personal interpretation.
Sports
tournaments, though ostentatious, convey myriads of disadvantages to the
host
country. Conspicuously, conducting events and
championship
Fix the agreement mistake
championships
show examples
,
sports
specifically, needs the establishment of infrastructure and the witnesses of audiences.
Thus
, the unimaginable monetary cost, the reduction of raw materials, and the emission of detrimental gasses,
such
as CO2, by
transportations
Fix the agreement mistake
transportation
show examples
is inevitable.
Consequently
,
affecting
Wrong verb form
this affects
show examples
not only the availability of resources,
Correct word choice
but conversely
show examples
conversely
Rephrase
also
show examples
aggravating
Wrong verb form
aggravates
show examples
the contentious issues of Global Warming and air pollution.
Furthermore
, the celebration of the audience and the potential traffic jams
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
also
exacerbated the noise pollution status. Despite the propounded drawbacks, there are myriads of optimism toward
such
competitions.
Firstly
, the potential profit from
such
events
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
monumental and voluntarily occurred,
thus
contributing efficiently to the
host
country’s economy.
Secondly
,
while
the overabundance of
nourishments
Fix the agreement mistake
nourishment
show examples
is obvious nowadays, obesity has
consequently
rising
Change the verb form
risen
show examples
, detrimentally affecting our population's well-being.
However
, the encouragement from
sports
events could encourage and motivate humans to work out, establishing a healthier vogue
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
host
country.
Moreover
, entertainment is essential to one’s mental and physical well-being,
thus
, by encouraging witnesses and viewers, exhaustively increasing their productivity. Ultimately,
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
there are numerous disadvantages to the
establishments
Fix the agreement mistake
establishment
show examples
of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
competitions
such
as numerous forms of pollution and the depletion of materials. I believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages as the profits of both health and monetary are emphasized.
Submitted by bendy.anhle on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion which is good. However, the main body paragraphs could be expanded with more specific and relevant examples to make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
While you have logical points, the essay would benefit from better coherence. Try to ensure smooth transitions between points and paragraphs to enhance the flow.
task achievement
Your introduction and conclusion clearly frame your discussion, which is a strong point.
task achievement
The essay covers both viewpoints as required, which shows a clear understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is generally logical and well-organized.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: