Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
It is no matter what period people live in, learning
as well as
education is something we must do, to contribute to a better life. Nowadays, some university students
want to learn about other subjects
beside
their main courses. Replace the word
besides
On the other hand
, a part of other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
believes
that spending all their time and attention Correct subject-verb agreement
believe
to
studying for a qualification is more significant. In my opinion, I prefer the former statement to the second idea.
Change preposition
apply
Students
explore more
other Fix the agreement mistake
apply
subjects
in addition
to their main subjects
help them expand the
knowledge, Change the word
their
experience
. Correct word choice
and experience
For instance
, when a marketing student has a chance to learn about customer psychology or cost saving in business, it would provide them more information about how to create a good strategy to attract customer
but Fix the agreement mistake
customers
also
optimize budget
. Correct pronoun usage
their budget
Secondly
, knowing a
various aspects Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
around
Change preposition
of
students
’ s
majors Change preposition
apply
help
them have many internships Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
as well as
career opportunities because these students
understand
a wide knowledge about the fields. Verb problem
have
Thirdly
, participating in many classes in different majors also
helps them expand their network of connections with everyone.
However
, other group
of Change the wording
groups
students
believe that it is more important to give all their time and effort for only one degree instead
of studying so many fields. In this
perspective, there are also
some suitable reasons to explain this
issue. First of all, students
have much time to research carefully about
their main Change preposition
apply
subjects
, then
they would catch up the
knowledge deeply and clearly. These Change preposition
with the
students
are likely to become very good at their chosen field.
To conclude
, each aspect will have its own benefits and drawbacks, learning is no exception. To me, we should choose for ourselves a suitable studying method, which depends on our purposes as well as
our abilities because each individual has a different limit.Submitted by chauhongngoc.577 on
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coherence cohesion
To improve your coherence and cohesion, try to use more transition phrases to link your ideas smoothly. For example, phrases such as 'On one hand' and 'On the other hand' can make the structure more clear. Additionally, consider organizing your paragraphs with a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details.
task achievement
To fully achieve the task, make sure to directly address both sides of the argument with balanced discussion. While you did provide good arguments for both views, adding a few more specific examples and facts would strengthen your response. For instance, referencing specific studies or statistics can provide more solid support.
language
Work on avoiding grammatical errors and improving the precise use of vocabulary. This will improve the clarity and professionalism of your essay. For example, phrases like 'explore more other subjects' should be 'explore other subjects' and 'part of other' should be 'part of the other.'
task achievement
You clearly present both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the essay topic.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well defined, and you have provided your own opinion in a clear manner.
task achievement
You use a variety of examples to support your points, which strengthens your arguments.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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