IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In education and employment, some people work harder than others. Why do some people work harder? Is it always a good thing to work hard?

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In the field of education and employment, some
people
Use synonyms
 choose to
work
Use synonyms
 harder than
others
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. The reason for
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon is
because
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 some
people
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 do not have
priviledges
Correct your spelling
privileges
 in their life.
However
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,
to be
Change the verb form
being
show examples
 a hard worker is not always a good thing. Some individuals are born with many advantages so their life becomes so much easier than
others
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. Take
for example
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 Elon Musk who
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 born from parents who are extremely wealthy even though they have a huge gold mine in South Africa.
Although
Linking Words
 Elon Musk still worked really hard, he can achieve his dreams
easier
Rephrase
more easily
show examples
 than
others
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 because of his innate benefit from his parents so he can merely focus on chasing his dreams.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, most
people
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are really struggle
Change the verb form
are really struggling
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 to fulfil their basic needs even though they already
work
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 extremely hard. And they even have to
work
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 harder if they want to upgrade their social classes
for instance
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 by spending extra time and energy to gain more money. Working really hard is not always a good choice. In reality, working hard sometimes means that
people
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 have to overwork
while
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also
Linking Words
 being underpaid.
In addition
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, they are most likely
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
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 to sacrifice their precious time with their family and their
beloved
Correct your spelling
loved
show examples
 ones. These situations will lead them to unhealthy conditions, both physically and mentally. Government must intervene
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
in this
show examples
 situation to eliminate the gap between
priviledge
Correct your spelling
privilege
privileged
 and
unpriviledge
Correct your spelling
unprivileged
people
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the
unpriviledge
Correct your spelling
unprivileged
privilege
 can get access to the resources just like the
privilidge
Correct your spelling
privileged
 get. In conclusion, individuals choose to
work
Use synonyms
 harder than
others
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 because they do not have
priviledges
Correct your spelling
privileges
.
However
Linking Words
, hardworking culture is not always a good thing to do.

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task response
Ensure your essay addresses all aspects of the task. You discussed why some people work harder; however, try to delve deeper into the reasons. Mention additional factors like personal ambition, career goals, or societal pressures.
task response
Work on ensuring all your arguments are clearly explained and expanded. For example, although you mention that working hard is sometimes not beneficial, provide more examples or detail on how it may negatively impact individuals.
coherence cohesion
Refine your logical structure. While you have a clear introduction and conclusion, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
coherence cohesion
Improve your paragraph coherence by ensuring all sentences in a paragraph stick to a central idea. Often sentences stray off-topic slightly, making the argument less persuasive.
task response
Be cautious about the use of specific examples. Ensure any example provided is directly relevant to the point you're discussing and accurately supports your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has clear and distinct paragraphs, each with a specific focus, which contributes to a good structure.
task achievement
You effectively identified the main prompt components: why some people work harder and whether it is always good to work hard.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion aptly summarizes your main points, adding to the overall clarity of your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Genetic predisposition
  • Work ethic
  • Upbringing
  • Cultural values
  • Ambitions
  • Motivated
  • Fear of failure
  • Competitive nature
  • Overworking
  • Burnout
  • Stress-related health issues
  • Productivity
  • Quality of life
  • Healthy balance
  • Long-term productivity
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